Hannah's Zambia Adventures

library

2008-07-28T05:33:00.001-04:00

i've put each section of this blog entry up separately. i hope they aren't so overwhelming to read and i hope you all enjoy! love love love, hannah

Library

Finally, I think, we finally have our books coming! They are loaded on a ship, they will be crossing the ocean (starting maybe tomorrow!) and are scheduled to land in Dar Es Salaam on September 10th. Ah, we have an arrival date!!!! It’s really so exciting. Getting the school organized to accept them getting shelves and tables and chairs all organized finally makes it seem so real. And the thought that all of these people who are always asking me for books will finally be able to take out BOOKS just makes my heart race. I struggle with whether or not this is just another form of aid and if I’m not just fitting myself into this system I so criticize, but, even if it is, I think people will benefit and I just need to accept that as a positive.

Along with that project I think we’re going to start a project with my women’s group to tell THEIR stories. Since none of the books we’re getting are (obviously) in Bemba, we’re going to do a project with my women’s group where they tell their life stories in just a couple sentences, and in Bemba. Then I’ll type them, print them out, take them back and we can draw in some pictures, staple them, and put them in the library! I think (and hope) this will do a couple things – 1) let the women tell their life story, 2) give the little kids in grades 1 and 2 and maybe older something in Bemba to read and learn to read with, 3) give the kids stories from here, about Zambia and about the women in their lives, and finally 4) give the women some pride as they see their stories, their lives, stapled and “published” in their library! I hope it works. It seems almost too simple; something is guaranteed to fail. But it will work. It will it will it will.

Ok, I should probably sign off of this now. This is getting very long. I’d love to hear from anyone who’s reading this. Send me comments or a letter or an e-mail. I can respond (and will!) to all. I promise. And a shoutout to my dad who sent the best package today – chocolate, nuts, beef jerkey, cheesy risotto mix, new CDs… ah what good be better. The simple life.

grad school? b-school? help?

2008-07-28T05:32:00.001-04:00

Grad School anyone? B-school? Help?

One of my latest stresses and internal debates is whether or not I should try to get some of the grad school tests taken here and apply this fall/spring so that I can start school next fall (2009). Part of me thinks that taking the tests and getting the applications out of the way makes a lot of sense – I have time here to study and write essays – and that transitioning straight into school would be a pretty easy way to transition back into America. But, then part of me thinks I really want more experience – I want to work for an organization that IS successful – where I can learn from people who ARE good at evaluating success and problem-solving and where I have a team who can help me do that. AND, since I can’t take the GMAT in Zambia it means flying to Dar Es Salaam or Jo-burg, paying $250 (two hundred and fifty DOLLARS!! That’s more than I make in a month!) for the test, plus money for the plane ticket, lodging, food, cabs to and from and I imagine that taking a stupid test will cost me more than $600. That’s ridiculous (ETS, how I hate you!). It just makes me think “no wonder no one in Zambia goes to business school in America! It’s practically impossible!”

And then the question is b-school or, well, something else. I still find myself wanting to think about how to develop businesses here, in the developing world. That a successful business does a couple things: 1) generates income for a family, 2) helps develop the larger economy, and 3) rewards such behaviors as creative thinking, problem-solving skills, communication skills, math and literacy which in turn helps the society as a whole. And I think that helping NGOs that are doing other work here generate sustainable income is much better long term solution to development than aid. Aid doesn’t work. Tess and Emma just read a book (The Shackled Continent by Guest) that (on page 150, yay citations!) says Zambia has gotten more aid than almost any other country in the world since independence and with that aid the average income has gone down. DOWN! Sad. Time to think of another solution! So… business school anyone? But, I don’t want to end up on a business school corporate track where I realize I can’t get back to this kind of work and I don’t really know how to evaluate schools or tracks from here. Any help anyone wants to offer would be taken, processed, and, well, maybe even listened to!

Dealing with Frustrations

2008-07-28T05:31:00.001-04:00

Dealing with frustrations

Having my family here in general (both mom and em, and tess and dad a couple months ago) gave me a new sense of joy and an ability to look at some of the things that I’ve gotten frustrated at with a kind of new, more patient eye. Oh, it’s just ZAMBIA! It’s ok! For example, Mom and Em and I got stuck on a bus (the company from before that has the slogan “safety first, arrive alive”) that told us they were going to Lusaka. Then at 2 o’clock in the morning, three hours (at least) north of Lusaka they said “oh, THIS bus isn’t going to Lusaka, but the one that is will be here in 15 minutes!” Well, at least 30 minutes later, a very full bus showed up and the 15-20 of us from the first bus squished in. Between the first row of seats and the windshield I counted 15 people and just prayed that we would arrive alive. We did and we even got in on time and made our flight down to Linvingstone, but I sometimes I just don’t understand why Zambians put up with that. If they paid for ticket why don’t they demand their money back when the bus is so absurd and ridiculous?! Crowded, late, the driver’s rude…

But it was also difficult though to try to convey some of the things that I DO feel like I’ve worked hard on and just still aren’t working. Another example, I’ve worked with a woman in town a bunch who works with women’s groups and sells their goods. She’s amazing. She knows how to work with women, she knows how to facilitate, she speaks English and is just a kind and generous person. She also makes almost no money and she and her employees function on no salaries. I’ve worked with her a lot to try to get her business more organized and it just seems like no matter how times I give her instructions she can’t follow them – she just can’t seem to get them right and her business suffers because of it. How do I change that? Is it me or is it her? What am I doing wrong in how I explain the situation? Does she just not WANT it enough to make herself understand? Our latest joke was that she’d set a price for one of her products and when my mom wanted to buy one she asked ME how much they cost. “It’s your business!” I joked “how much DO they cost?!”

That sense of frustration came up today in a conversation I was having with a guy who is up here in Mpika doing some research for Unicef. He asked what the hardest thing for me is here. I’ve said in the past that it’s trying to do the work here alone. I mean it’s not that I’m alone exactly – I have Zambian co-workers and other Peace Corps Volunteers – but my chief job does kind of seem to be one of a motivator. But, today I said that the hardest thing is trying to find the people who are the movers and shakers – the people who WILL get things done. I’ve spent the last year working on trying to set up a youth group here in my village and after working with a young man for all of that last year – taking him to Lusaka, trying to teach him how to prepare and teach lessons, trying to find other people to help him – I finally just feel like he doesn’t REALLY care. He doesn’t want to make this a priority in his life and he doesn’t want to show up to meetings when it means skipping something else.

Part of me feels so unbelievably frustrated, why did I waste so much time, and even some money, on him? And part of me feels like “Well, it’s his village. When I’m done here, it’s still up to him to face these issues and I’ve tried.” Is it dangerous or just real to get to that point? I know it’s real to get to the point that you realize that there are people who just can’t make things happen, but at what point can I tell myself that it’s ok to give up? That this just isn’t the person who will take a project to a new level? That development has to be HIS problem, THEIR problem too if it’s going to get any better?

Back to transport for second, the ridiculous transport situations that many Zambians will put up with AND pay for always surprises me and often makes me angry. On the bus when I was so frustrated the conductor turned to me and asked “Muli shani?” (How are are you?). Angrily I glared at him and said “not good, thank you!” He turned to the woman next to me and asked “muli shani?” to which SHE responded that she was fine. I looked at her in shock. Why don’t you TELL him OFF?! And then realized I failed Zambia test number 1 – things are always fine, they aren’t as bad as they COULD be, and we were on the bus and moving. What more did I want for heaven’s sake?!

Along the same lines it took me and Prince 8 hours to get from Kasama, where the Peace Corps House is, to Mpika on Saturday. We sat on the side of the road trying to catch a ride for 4 hours and then paid to get squished in the back of covered pickup with 6 other people and a huge metal BAR and to break down and take 4 hours to go 210 kilometers. I was cranky and annoyed, wanted my money back, wanted to be comfortable. But when we got into Mpika and were trying to decide whether to walk the hour to my house and jump in a cab for 5 minutes a friend passed. He had petrol and said he drop us at my house for free. I sighed and told him our exhausting story and he said “well, you’re here. That’s all the matters.” It’s true. We were there, alive, ready to cook dinner and go to bed, if exhausted and sore and, at that point, that was all that mattered. And that he was kind enough to give us a ride.

This kind of attitude, as always, seems to have a good side and a bad. The lack of frustration and anger that the Zambians I interact with seem to have, the patience, is beautiful. I hope I can bring that back with me. It’s sort of a zen acceptance of the world and its faults. Yet, (is it the American in me?) sometimes I think you HAVE to get angry at things. Doesn’t the world change because someone decides “this is unacceptable and I am going to change it!”? Where does that come from? How do you create that? Should we? Is creating that here changing this society? Or did colonialism kind of create a sense of acceptance because there WAS no alternative?

Family visits

2008-07-28T05:29:00.001-04:00

Family visits

My mom and my sister just left after a lovely visit here. Emma stayed in my village for an extra ten days, which I know is such a gift. I’m sure it was an interesting experience for her (maybe she’ll write a guest entry!  ), but for me it means that when I get home people I love are going to have such a better understanding of what my life is like here – what my house looks like, how I bathe (or sometimes don’t! ha), how or what I cook, what the Ministry of Education looks like, how all the kids yell after me constantly, even just what Zambia LOOKS like – both the complete beauty and the dirt and trash – they’ll have a more real idea of what it is to live here.

Emma, I think, handled being in my village better than anyone else in my family. I think we were both surprised by that, but in retrospect I think she just took the whole experience with a sense of humor. People are laughing? I’ll laugh too. The kids are crying? I’ll pick them up. I don’t understand what they’re saying? Oh well, I’ll talk to them in English and then at least we’ll ALL be confused! It was a joy to watch.

i year in

2008-07-28T05:26:00.000-04:00

1 year in

One of the hardest things about being here after a while is that even as I am suddenly used to living here and the patterns and routines of life feel more normal to me other people still see me as such an anomaly. People still ask for money or call me “muzungu” (white person) or act surprised that I live in a thatch hut. My response is kind of “come on!” Don’t you know who I am? Or where I live? Or that you shouldn’t call me muzungu, that I have a name? I get frustrated that people can’t get used to ME.

But probably most often it is still people who don’t see me often or don’t know who I am or much about me and that even as MY life here has settled, and there are people who have settled in, they aren’t a part of that and they don’t see that. It can be quite frustrating, especially on days when other things aren’t going well, but for the most part, it’s just laughable and connected to my awareness that I AM an anomaly. I AM a bit strange. It IS weird for a muzungu to be hanging around here. Heck, when I see other muzungus I kind of do a double take and think “what are THEY doing in MY town?!” and then I laugh at myself.

books!

2008-07-05T02:42:00.000-04:00

we got all of our money for the books!!! it's so exciting. we're working on getting them shipped out as soon as possible and i can't wait to update you all!

i also just got back from a vacation with my mom and sister, which was wonderful - south luangwa game park where we saw lots of animals, my village and a dance party with my women's group, livingstone and the falls and a beautiful beautiful lodge on the river.

my sister is still here and we head back up to mpika today to hang out there for a week which should be fun. and my mom headed out yesterday, which was sad. it's crazy to get this intense time with family and then realize how far away they are going again - but it's now been twice as long (about) as it will be until i see them again! so i've already gone this long without seeing them, the rest will seem so fast probably. too fast maybe since i still have so much i want to do.

we're hopefully getting this library up and going now now, still working with a women's group on trying to start a big sewing project (might have just gotten a sewing machine for them! fingers crossed), might be working on a youth or girl's career week that will maybe be around world AIDS day and focusing on HIV a bunch, my youth group may actually start moving with some footballs i just got and a peer educator training we're doing next week... so, life's busy and i hope i have some more concrete work stuff to report next time i write.

catching up

2008-06-20T05:03:00.002-04:00

first, i'm in capetown! with my mom and sister. it's beautiful and lovely and friendly and clean and i ate sushi for dinner the first night! it was great.

second, here's a lovely entry by a friend of a friend of mine who's another PC volunteer, in mozambique - http://souaqui.blogspot.com/2008_03_01_archive.html. i think it gets into some of what is so difficult to do when it comes to AIDS and HIV here - in zambia, in mozambique, in south africa... i'd recommend reading it because of the insights it offers, but also just because it's beautifully written account of an AIDS death and the struggles of that.

third, things have been going well - i think i've been struggling, as always, with what sustainability means in my role here. how do i set up systems that might, possibly, if people want last? how do i disengage myself from the active process of making something happen and step back a bit to let my counterparts do it while at the same time making them feel i'm helping, paying attention, assisting in appropriate ways? how do i encourage people who have never been told to take risks in school to try to take risks in facilitation or youth skills work?

i've been feeling frustrated with how much many of my projects seem to revolve around me - that kids come when i'm there, that people forget to have or go to meetings if i'm out, that the practical organizational stuff falls on me, that the frank conversations about sex happen with me. none of which is bad by itself but when i think about whether or not even a youth group will keep meeting when i leave i get left with questions and not any answers... it's exhausting.

so, i think a vacation will do me good and then when i get back to my last 9 months here i can get back on track!

guest entry

2008-06-05T05:56:00.001-04:00

A guest entry from a lovely guest - my dad! enjoy

If you haven’t gone to visit Hannah in Zambia yet, you should go. It is amazing.

I went at the end of April. Tess, who was wandering around Europe, met me at Heathrow and we flew down to Lusaka together. We got there as the sun was rising. It took a while to get through immigration, and we were surprised that the visa fee had gone up to $135 each. Hannah met us at the airport with a cabbie waiting who whisked us in to Les and Lynn’s house. Les and Lynn used to direct a Peace Corps program and now work for NGOs. They’ve made their lovely home a haven for Peace Corps volunteers and, it seems, any other weary traveler of goodwill who is looking for a hot shower and a beer.

We went shopping at the Dutch Reformed market where Hannah knows just about everybody.

The next morning, we caught the dawn bus to Livingstone. We stayed at a great hostel called Fawlty Towers - where we got our own room for three, with a bathroom down the hall, a pool in the courtyard, a decent restaurant, and bunch of friendly cats to play with. It is two miles or so from Victoria Falls.

The Falls are better than you can imagine – they are like no other geologic formation I’ve ever seen. The river flows across a flat plain above them, then just drops over a mile-wide ridge that looks like it is the edge of the earth, into a narrow ravine below. Because there is so much water (it was the end of the rainy season), because the ravine is so deep, and because it is so narrow, the water crashes into the rocks below and makes so much mist that you can barely see the falls. (The name for the falls in the local language – Mosi Ao Tunya – translates as “The Smoke That Thunders”) All you see is mist. And you hear an incredible roar. On the paths that go along the ridges opposite the falls, the mist is so thick that it is like a torrential downpour. The rent raincoats, umbrellas, and even rubber clogs. If you don’t rent them (we didn’t) you will get very, very wet.

The next day, we met our safari guide, a guy named Bob Batchelor. I’d found his company – Imfuduko African Safaris – on the web, and worked with him by phone and email to design a trip. We spent a few days canoeing on the Lower Zambezi (and saw many hippos, crocodiles, impala, and great birds. We saw one large, lonely elephant, munching reeds by the river bank. Then we drove to another game park – Kafue – in Western Zambia. There, on a night game drive, we saw more elephants, zebras, a leopard, a civet, a few porcupine, kudu, puku, impala, and a fat lazy puff adder, slithering across the road. We let him slither. Bob dropped us off in Lusaka after a week in the bush –and we were happy to see Les and Lynn’s again.

From there, we went up to Mpika to visit Hannah’s village. We were welcomed like royalty. Everyone from the proprietors of the internet café to the vegetable sellers in the market know and love “Ba Anna” (as Hannah is known there.) We basked in the reflected glory. The village ladies put on a wild and wonderful dance show, skit, and formal welcome ceremony for us. For the children in the village, our visit was major entertainment. They watched our every move, imitated our funny speech, wanted to touch our strange pale, hairy skin, and found us amusing in every way. We liked them, too.

We met all the other Peace Corps volunteers. We ate nshima and chibwabwa, made over Hannah’s charcoal brazier fire. We drank beer and played pool at a great bar run by a German guy who has settled in Mpika. We hiked to the dam. We went to visit the waterfalls in Kasama. We visited a local orphanage and the local school. Everywhere we went, the people we met were warm and welcoming.

Zambia is one of southern Africa’s success stories – especially compared to its neighbor Zimbabwe. That doesn’t mean all is well. Poverty is rampant. AIDS orphans are everywhere. The education system is massively underfunded. All the contradictions and frustrations of developing countries are everywhere apparent. But so are the virtues. It is a challenging place to visit – hard to get to, hard to get around, and full of things that challenge preconceptions about Africa, about development, about culture. Hannah is a great tour guide, and will only be there for another 11 months. So you should plan your trip now. You won’t find a better tour guide. Have fun.

water carriers in training

2008-04-21T07:19:00.000-04:00

the best image of my day: my two little three year old neighbors each carrying a plastic 500 mL water bottle on their heads. so cute.

donate to my library!

2008-04-17T05:02:00.003-04:00

i've pasted and copied the description for the Peace Corps Website below. We've already raised $1000! But anything, and really i mean ANYTHING (if everyone who has ever been sent the address to this blog gave $5 we'd prob have over $1000!) helps...

So, to donate:

go to peacecorps.gov. on the left there is menu and at the bottom is a button "DONATE NOW." That will take you to a page with a couple options, click on "Volunteer projects" and then go to Zambia. It's labelled "community libraries" project and the name is "C. Staatz." Colleen is a friend of mine and her library in another district is getting some of the books along with some other PC libraries. Please please help with whatever you can!

Also, if you have books you'd like to send that's possible, but maybe more complicated. e-mail me with specific questions about that. Thanks!!!

Community Libraries

Imagine learning to read with 1 book: your 2nd grade textbook that 3 siblings have already torn to pieces. Imagine learning to appreciate reading when you’ve never been read to or watched an adult read a book. Imagine learning to read in a language that is not your first language. Imagine living in a place where books can cost your parents’ monthly income. These are only some of the issues that Zambian school children face in learning to read and speak English.

This project will fund the transport of 20,000 books to develop four libraries in Zambia. All three districts are far from the capital and lack reading and reference materials is a problem. These students are often eager to study topics that interst them or refer to outside materials when preparing for exams, but are unable to do so. In addition to reference materials, these libraries would also include basic children’s books, which wil help Zambian students to improve their English, a vital skill for performing well on their national examinations and their ability to continue in higher education. All four libraries are being built in schools or community centers where local kids as well as adults can easily access the books.

The communities have greatly contributed to this project by providing the physical spaces to house the libraries. This eliminates the need for costly construction materials and ensures that the libraries will become functional quickly after the arrival of the books.

"orientalism"

2008-04-07T03:56:00.002-04:00

it's interesting how many people responded to my last entry about my awe at my "African" moments. i'm not sure if it's that i asked for comments cause i want to know who's reading this or if it's because that's such a common, expected feeling. i know it is. an awe at the beauty and the frustration of living here is hard to not make romantic.

i'm reading a book called "The Road to Hell" right now (i forget who it's by, but i'll try to get it on here next time!) which is, to be very broad, about the failure of development organizations and possibly even the evil of them... that they can participate in the continuing underdevelopment of nations. but it focuses on somalia in the '80s and the work done around the famine and food aid. the image of a starving african child is, in its horror, romanticized by the "Development" world. "you can help! you can feel good about yourself! you can smile at how you helped!"

it's sick and yet part of the system. of course women here in their beautiful, colorful suits will seem romantic and an "other" to me because it's been part of our media for so long. africa, since the days of the explorers, has been full of mystery, intrigue and excitement. and that goes from here to the states too. a zambian in america would probably keep thinking "this is america! this is the land of opportunity!" yet, trying to make it a reality, with it's complexity is something i try to do everyday and something i also try to do here, on this blog. keep commenting!

to change direction just a bit, i got an e-mail from a friend today talking about "relative" poverty. i'll quote:

"Otherwise, I have been spending a lot more time thinking about the situation in the US. Obviously, we don't have extreme poverty like that which exists in Mali, Zambia, India, and Honduras. So at times I think it is foolish to spend time wondering how to help those who are relatively well off globally yet poor relative to our country. And yet, it is sensible and even powerful to be an advocate for change and justice within one's own community and culture. Perhaps I can do more in that capacity...especially as I do not envisage myself living overseas for the remainder of my life. Perhaps not. Either way, the conditions here are not great. The country is going through a terrible crisis of confidence, with 81% of people thinking the country is seriously off-track. Prices for food and fuel are soaring, the number of people on food stamps is growing, unemployment is up and the economy is struggling with a seriously f-ed up loan system and declining real estate prices. As usual, the poor and lower middle classes suffer the most. That, plus the presidential race and the serious questions of race and sex it elicits, makes it a fascinating time to be here."

i thought he (and i'll reference him if he tells me it's ok!) wrote so eloquently about the complexity of poverty today. the poor here suffer. lack of clean (or running) water, illness, infant mortality, HIV, poor education, lack of jobs and capital and loans and so much more make life difficult. yet people are friendly and kind and supportive in ways that i know i will miss when i am back in america. the random person who saw that i greeted another peace corps volunteer and then asked me to greet someone for him and who i ended up talking to as i walked the two blocks to the internet...

yet, the poor everywhere suffer. especially when you SEE wealth and inequality around you. few people here have a good education so, though you may want that for your children, it's not rubbed in your face as much if you don't have it... is that harder? or is that easier? where do we need to work? how do we make change? obviously the answer is both. we need people who can work and make change here and we need people who can work in the states making change (both with the poor and how we view the poor!)...

but, i also recently got a letter that another friend wrote a year ago. not sure how on earth it travelled to take so long but she wrote about being a peace corps volunteer and trying to both teach people but not change values, to work within the cultural system and values. but if you're trying to teach to change behavior how does that not, inherently, struggle with changing values? women are healthier if they don't have ten children, but children and having family are valued here. they are also valued as a kind of social security - unpredicatability and lack of care in old age mean children help you survive... but as we encourage women to have fewer children (both for their own health and for the fewer expenses of caring for fewer children) do we change values? change a culture? to come back to the beginning, make it real and less romantic and less full of suffering?

safety first, arrive alive

2008-03-07T00:13:00.002-05:00

that's the slogan of one of the major bus companies around zambia - germin's. i'm not sure if that inspires confidence or fear. most of the time i ride the buses around zambia i, somewhat surprisingly, feel safe. we pass many a flipped over semi where the drivers were either drunk or asleep on their long drives from Dar Es Salaam to various places mostly in South Africa. needless to say, i do not take that bus line.

i've just arrived in lusaka on the night bus (thank you juldan bus company for arriving safely!)and around 5:45 as we were pulling into the edges of Lusaka the sky started to light up with one of the most beautiful sunrises i've ever seen. usually i like sunsets more, probably partly because i don't have to wake up early, but also because they are usually much more colorful, with much more pink and orange in their clouds. this sunrise though made me sit there thinking about Africa - i'm in africa! watching the sun rise!

part of that thought made me think about these repeated thoughts i have about being in africa - "i'm on a bush path in africa! on my bike! by myself!" or "i'm watching an african sunrise!" or smiling at the beautiful "african" patterns on the women's chitenges (skirts/shirts/colorful material). is it just some kind of neo-colonialist romanticism? i don't think so exactly. as much as the thoughts hark back to a kind of "africa house" feeling of the 19th century adventures in Africa, i think (i hope?) that mine is different... is it a different motivation? is it a different kind of appreciation? a knowledge that i'm leaving and am not trying to ignore the people on some level?

i think these feelings probably conincide with definite frustration that PC isn't really the way to do development. increasingly i find myself wanting to work on projects that are looking at systems level change - and my latest is how to finance ideas here. development increasingly doesn't work, i think, because it's outsiders coming in and thinking through the problems and approving (or not) finances. when will zambians be able to start their own projects and try to make them work and let kids learn from them to think similarly? when will the idea of venture capitalists come here? where someone can say "i believe in your idea, try it!"

hmmm, what else? have had some interesting conversations in the last two days about evolution vs. creationism. it's scary to me that kids here are hardly even given the information about evolution. how can they ever consider it if they aren't even taught the history that IS there? fossils, discoveries of ancient peoples etc?

also, had a beautiful moment when earlier this week i heard some women singing and dancing outside my house. they were actually next door and had come bearing song to welcome the baby my neighbor just had. so beautiful.

ok, have to go and do lusaka office stuff.

sunshine is wonderful

2008-02-26T03:22:00.002-05:00

i realized after a recent letter from my aunt that people have a lot of questions about what i'm doing here. but it's hard for me to know what those are and what to answer in these blogs. send me comments and i'll answer your questions!

sunshine, after a month of rain almost every day, is wonderful. in the last two weeks we've had a couple full days of sun and the breeze and the sun and my bike as i ride down trails make me just think "i'm in africa!"

i have two beautiful new babies in my life. my cat had kittens! they're incredible. they were born a week ago and i was at a workshop so i didn't actually get to watch and pet her while she was in labor. i wish! but, they are just starting to open their eyes and look like real kittens. i'm so in love. one looks like rexy (white with black and tan spots) and the other is black with white feet and a white mark on her face. they're incredible. i think one will be named ululimi, which actually means tongue or language, because she always has her little tongue sticking out while she's asleep. and then the other might be loleni, which means "look" but i just think it's pretty. i think they're both girls, but i could be totally wrong! haha.

yesterday i was approached by a neighbor whose husband seems to have run off to work and kind of disappeared. he isn't sending money, he isn't calling, he won't pick up her calls (from my phone)... and she's stuck with three children under 6. she came to my house yesterday. "ba, anna, give me ama'advice.'" what could i say? i don't know what to say. he's a jerk. i gave her food and felt teary. i would love to give her some work to do, but i don't have much.

right after that a kid who said he would hoe my yard came by and told me he's a double orphan, lives by himself, and could i help him pay for grade 9? and give him some food? and maybe a t-shirt? i can't help all of these people, obviously, with food and money because it would be endless. how can these kids find jobs? or be expected to pay for school if they're orphans? or do well eventually if they don't finish school? it can all just be so overwhelming.

i miss you all. i'll stop there. but i'll put info up soon on how to donate to two projects i'm working on: a library and a youth centre.

a loooong update

2008-01-21T05:18:00.000-05:00

(Warning: this is a looooong one. I thought about breaking it up into sections, but most of the “sections” are more connected than I thought… so, 2 pages on Israel, 2 on Peace Corps, 2 in response to a NYTimes article about Peace Corps and 2 are the article. Enjoy! Send me comments!)

I went to Israel for a bit less than two weeks, right before Christmas to right after New Year’s. The impetus for the trip was a good friend from college’s wedding. But what made it reality was that two friends from here said “well, we’ve never been. Soooo, if YOU go, we’ll go!!”

So, I went; with two friends from here! Which was interesting because one, they’d never been; two, I haven’t actually traveled there WITH friends in a while (I usually seem to be stuck at Israeli borders by myself!); and, three because they’re Christian. They put me into the role of tourist that I haven’t been in for a while. I realized while I was there that the first time I was there was 10 years ago this Christmas. (It’s hard to believe that I’m old enough to be able to say “10 years ago…” and remember it!). But really, that’s the last time I was a full-fledged tourist there. I remember then the awe of the Old City, the first time I saw the “mud” at the bottom of Turkish Coffee, the shock that Christmas felt like just another day, and watching carefully from the plane taking off until I literally could not see the land anymore… I guess even then I knew I’d be back.

They also made me a guide to a Jerusalem that I don’t know as well: Christian Jerusalem. We saw more churches than I could keep track of. But, I think my two favorites were the Church where Mary was born on Mt. Zion and the Church of All Nations at Gethsemane. I loved the church at Mt Zion because it was so peaceful, out of the way a little and the paintings and mosaics were beautiful and varied. I felt like I could have sat there for a long time, thinking, praying, loving Jerusalem... The Church at Gethsemane is supposed to be where Jesus prayed before he was arrested, has a garden full of 2,000 year old olive trees and the most beautiful windows made out of very thin, purple alabaster. That garden and a walk up the Mt. of Olives have made me fall in love with olive trees. They’re so beautiful with their winding old trunks that look almost like aged skin, making you ask in your head just what all they’ve seen in their lifetimes…

It was amazing to be back. The wedding was incredible. And instead of feeling incredibly overwhelmed by the fact that a close friend of mine was getting married I was mostly overwhelmed with how wonderful it was. She looked beautiful, they looked happy, it was at Ramat Rachel, an old kibbutz south of Jerusalem, which was gorgeous, the dancing and the music were so much fun, and it was so nice to see so many friends from Brown, some of whom I didn’t even know where there! I was teary for the whole service as his friends and family brought him in to present the engagement and as we all danced with them away from the Chupah when they were finally “man and wife.”

While I was there I also got to see a bunch (but nearly enough!) friends from Seeds of Peace, several of whom were friends from my first summer at camp which I realized (again) was almost ten years ago! Not quite because this summer will be 9 years. But it’s hard to believe that first of all that was so long ago; second, it has impacted my life is so many ways; and third, that I’m still in touch with and close to people I see rarely, communicate with almost solely by e-mail, and who have been in so many different places than me over the last 10 years (the army, school, the west bank, India, camp again…). Seeds of Peace, though, gives us this bond, that I also realized while I was there, was probably the first thing we all approached as adults… suddenly we were given the responsibility and the trust to try something and to be opinionated and we responded with a mature, adult passion.

I think that’s also one of the reasons it was so wonderful to be back. I miss the passion with which I approached so much of my work in the Middle East. Maybe I miss some of the naiveté and the simplicity with which I allowed myself to delve in so deeply. I know that I ended up here in Africa because of a desire to get away from that, if not forever at least for a little while. I wanted an opportunity to compare, to try to understand something else, and maybe by understanding someplace else creating an ability to come back to the Middle East with some distance, some more understanding, and maybe a renewed energy. By my last summer at Seeds, I was burnt out and a little saddened… So much work and so little progress!

I don’t know if going back to the Middle East is what I will want or will do eventually, but being there definitely made me realize how much I miss it. I miss speaking Hebrew; I miss speaking Arabic; I miss the beauty of the call to prayer as many different mosques call it out at the same time and their beautiful tones play games with each other in your ear; I miss trying to understand and explain “the conflict” or “the situation”; I miss the connection I feel personally to the land; I miss the desert and the beauty of the trees in an oasis or a kibbutz in the middle of all that brown; I miss hummus, falafel, fatoush, and food with different spices; I miss having a Jewish community… so, needless to say, it was hard to get back on that Ethiopian Air plane.

Yet, even after the exhaustion of many hours of overnight travel we landed back in Zambia and the first thing I realized was that I do know how to live here… I can greet, I can joke, I can negotiate a cab, I increasingly know my way around Lusaka, I can hitch up north, when we stopped for gas in Mpika for 10 minutes I saw friends. I can’t believe that I’ve lived here for a year almost now. That’s longer that I’ve actually LIVED anywhere since high school.

Getting back to site I was exhausted. Exhausted from traveling, from the emotion of Israel and seeing friends, and from the news that my dog died while I was away… I felt a bit like I had abandoned her to the craziness of my village. There were rumors that she was poisoned, more likely she was stupid and ate something bad… but either way it was hard to get back and feel guilty, that I could have done something.

All of the exhaustion, the fact that I’m coming up on a year, and an interesting article that many of you may have seen (copied at the bottom of this. It’s from the NYTimes, by Robert Strauss on January 9th, 2008) has made this week mostly about trying, again, to get to a point where I understand and can talk or write about what I’m doing here…

I spent time thinking about my schedule and whether I feel productive. I’m working on a lot, I have a lot of ideas, and yet at the same time, often feel like I’m working very little. I get a lot of sleep and my pace of life is slow. I get to the internet café and updates on the computers that, in America, should have been done before the store opened, are being started as I walk in. Things like that make me late to meetings, not get to the Ministry on time, miss a counterpart at the district, or just slow down my time getting home or buying food for dinner… Yet, they also allow for relationships. I talked with the people at the internet while I waited to for the updates to download. I have my friends at the market who I buy dried fish for my cats from or tomatoes and cabbage for my dinner. Everyone I pass seems to know my name and most people greet me, even in town. I walk or ride my bike everywhere so travel that in the states would be fast fast, takes an hour. Sometimes I think I could get so much more done if I could just speed up processes, but people also move slower. A guy who gave us a ride to the Peace Corps house the other day had traveled to America and said “oh, it’s too fast! I couldn’t wait to be back!” So, am I here to teach about efficiency or to learn to slow down?

Many Peace Corps volunteers see our work as a process where we, unlike NGOs, bring skills to teach and information to pass on. I often feel that as an education volunteer who does NOT have formal training as a teacher, but IS working with teachers who have formal training as teachers, my strengths are not the trainings I do. Who am I to teach teachers how to teach? A health volunteer working with community health groups has much more space for expertise I think. They do know more science and can teach it. Yes, I have been part of educational system that may be light years ahead of this one in its organization and its student pass rate; yes, I have a ideas for things that could be done better… but I also have to realize that things here are done certain ways for certain reasons. Should they continue that way? Sometimes, often not. Students here may not pass because teachers aren’t stellar but maybe also because they aren’t fed enough, their parents are dying, they don’t have clothes and shoes, they don’t have books to practice with or adults who encourage them to think and question. Probably, all of the above. This school system needs resources.

So, I see my strength as much more about my ability to help people here with a vision access resources… there really is so much money going into development now, so if I can help people think through a project, find funding for it and make it a reality I can help them do several things. First, I help them think of what they need. They prioritize what they want and need (I, of course, am somewhat selective because my interests and expertise mean I’m more interested in a youth center than, say, a study on fertilizers… though that would be good too!). Then we think about what will work, what won’t work, and how to run the idea or project they are thinking of. Finally, we think about ways to access funding and then actually implement the idea. I can’t give it to them, so who can? A bank? A loan from a microfinance institution? Peace Corps? A ministry or the district? The World Bank? The American Embassy?

Right now my two big projects are one to build a youth center and two to get 20,000 books shipped to Zambia. For both of them the community or the school has expressed interest and we’ve sat down to think about what they might need. For the youth center, we came to realize that with the five government and five private schools in the area there are over 6,000 children (not counting the ones not in school) who have NOTHING to do after school, no extracurricular activities, no place to continue some kind of constructive learning. They have chores and work to do at home, but they are often wandering around, at my house, playing in the street, getting into trouble, or, if they’re older, going to bars or starting to experiment sexually. We have several youths and adults who are interested in making a youth center happen, but they have no funding. So we’re applying for funds. We’ll apply to a couple different places for different parts: the building, the furnishings, the trainings… and when it’s done, I hope, there will be a place where the kids can be and can learn when they are not in school (which is most of the day).

For the library, the school had a structure. They, and the ministry, wanted to make it a library, but because there were no books the school had been using the space as two classrooms for the last couple years. This structure is at the school where the District Resource Center is, meaning that teachers, administrators, and students pass through all the time. If they can re-furbish the building and get books, it will be the first library in the district. And, it has unprecedented access to people from all over the province. So, along with four other PCVs, we’re trying to apply for money to ship 20,000 books (that will be shared between four libraries). If you’re interested in donating books, they can be sent to MD and you can e-mail me for the address. Or, you can give money to help us ship them.

Along with those two projects, I am trying to do some work with teachers to do regular meetings, set up regular discussion groups so that they can problem shoot together, maybe make a zonal resource center where they can talk to each other, access resources, maybe use a computer or (gasp! if it works!) the internet… and also maybe do a project in environmental education with several schools in the area, because I recently learned that Zambia has the highest rate of deforestation in the world! Not sure where that comes from or how that’s true, but it’s true that in my village there are almost no trees! So, we plan to talk about the life cycle of trees, non-wood parts, and then plant some trees at the school. I didn’t get money from Peace Corps, but maybe the Ministry of Forestry or the Environmental Support Program would be able to support us.

Do all of those projects mean I am working all the time? No. In fact there are many days when I say I will stop by and talk with different people and not a single person is there. The DEBS at the ministry isn’t in, the environment officer is in another province, the District Commissioner just ran to a meeting, the internet is down, and there was no food in the market… I get home at 14:00, feeling ready to take a nap even though I didn’t really do anything and think “I’m useless. I do nothing here. This is just a game that the US government plays with us! Or that we thought would be fun to play with ourselves!” Maybe I am, but other days I do feel like I do something. Maybe I just have a good conversation with kids or I watch an interaction that I won’t ever forget or all of the ministry officers are there and think my ideas are good and want to help or I learn things about what I want to do next and what I DON’T want to do next … is that worth it? I don’t know. Is two years a long time? It’s not that long. Sometimes it feels a lot longer than others. Though, right now I can’t believe it’s been a year! Is it an expensive way for me to learn a lot? Maybe. But will I probably do my next job better now that I’ve learned more about development, project implementation, individual motivation, time, and what works or doesn’t work? I think so. Even if it’s not in development!

Which is the perfect link to some comments on this NYTimes article... Strauss raises some good points. There are many volunteers who come in without much training and without much motivation and are thrown into situations where they can’t do much and maybe a Zambian could do better. Those volunteers would be better suited to offer help and to be mentally stable themselves if they had come in with more training or more support or more professional background. Though, the work is undefined and often slow and even volunteers with an extensive professional background struggle, and sometimes more because of expectations of how things “should” work.

Strauss seems to simplify several things. He writes that older volunteers have, “extensive professional and life experience and the ability to mentor younger volunteers” and that “too often these young volunteers lack the maturity and professional experience to be effective development workers in the 21st century.” Both of these statements make a broad generalization about younger Peace Corps Volunteers that is, I think, unfair. All of the other volunteers that I’ve come in with have life experience that is valuable. Many of us have traveled or worked in different places and come with our struggles, challenges, successes, and our own maturity. Peace Corps, at least in Zambia, would benefit from encouraging us to know those things about each other, to lean on people with specific experiences… I also get much support from the other volunteers who are my age because we are going through the same processes and the same life decisions. “What next?,” for us, is about making a career direction decision. Older volunteers can, of course, shed light on those decisions as well but often forget what it is to making that decision.

Strauss also writes, “This wasn't the case in 1961 when the Peace Corps sent its first volunteers overseas. Back then, enthusiastic young Americans offered something that many newly independent nations counted in double and even single digits: college graduates. But today, those same nations have millions of well-educated citizens of their own desperately in need of work. So it's much less clear what inexperienced Americans have to offer.” This is a valuable argument on one level. Yes, there are many unemployed Zambians looking for jobs and yes many of them would benefit from the experience of the work we’re doing.

But it fails on many others. One, many of them wouldn’t volunteer to do. They, understandably want to work their way up their own system and don’t want to spend two years in a village, living in a mud hut, without electricity or cell phone service and working on a very basic community level of development. Second, their government doesn’t have the money to pay them to do it (should ours?). Third, there is always value in having an outsider come in help (that’s the point of consulting companies! Of which, Strauss now runs one). There are parts of the systems here that are so totally lacking that having someone, even someone who has just experienced a functional system, can add on to.

I think Strauss is correct in saying that Peace Corps would strengthen its own position and level of respect if they were more selective about whom they accepted. If they suggested that there was more competition they would not only get better applicants and choose better applicants, but they would add to development by suggesting that development work could also benefit from competition. Peace Corps in each country could also support the development work and could make it more effective if they encouraged more people, throughout the application process as well as throughout training and service, to actually talk about what development is and think about why they are giving two years to a developing country! What IS development anyway? (oh Brown Development Studies, how I love you!)

Peace Corps, I think, in many ways also contributes to some of the issues he brought up. From the beginning of the recruitment process Peace Corps emphasizes flexibility. They ask, “Is place, time [that you leave], or job most important to you?” And then throughout the process they like to question your commitment to do Peace Corps. I was challenged by a recruitment officer when I told her that leaving two weeks after college graduation was not the ideal time. She said “Hannah, are you sure you want to do Peace Corps? Are you ready to commit?” Yes, but not in June was my response!

I had at least one friend (who was another Middle East person) who, after being offered a position in Eastern Europe, kind of scoffed at Peace Corps. How could they, recognizing his skills and area of expertise, not try to take advantage of that?! They must not be very sincere about the work they expected him to do. I have other friends who, for fear of not being offered another position in Peace Corps, accepted the first invitation they got even though it wasn’t where they wanted to go or what they wanted to do or when they wanted to leave! How, and why, does Peace Corps think that by sending volunteers to places they don’t want to go to or to do work that is not connected to their background that their work will be most effective?

Again, encouraging people to think about and explain why they want to go somewhere, what their personal goals are (none of us are completely selfless in this work… we are all getting something out of being here and came TO get something out of being here… even if that was just an experience of helping others), and why they have those goals would help Peace Corps Washington put us in places where we can be most effective and help volunteers understand more thoroughly what they are trying to do here.

All of that said, I think most Zambians ARE thankful that I’m here. I may feel uncomfortable teaching teachers, but they seem to be a lot less uncomfortable. They love when I teach lessons, they love when I come to the schools, they love when I have ideas for the community of for how to get books or other places they could look for funding. They laugh that I always have children at my house or when I talk about my leaking roof or when I say things wrong in Bemba. They’re surprised that I’m young or that I’m not married, but they think I have ideas that are interesting and useful. They see me as kind and they are surprised that I would be willing to live in the village without electricity or water. They, unlike many Americans (farmers or not) appreciate that someone is willing to come and help for sometime. Maybe that’s because I am a distraction or I feed their kids bananas, but if there’s ever discomfort with me it’s more of a resigned acknowledgement that I have more and that I will go back to America. I don’t think there is any resentment. At all. Maybe that’s something we Americans have to learn from?

OP-ED CONTRIBUTOR

Too Many Innocents Abroad
By ROBERT L. STRAUSS
Published: January 9, 2008

Antananarivo, Madagascar

THE Peace Corps recently began a laudable initiative to increase the number of volunteers who are 50 and older. As the Peace Corps' country director in Cameroon from 2002 until last February, I observed how many older volunteers brought something to their service that most young volunteers could not: extensive professional and life experience and the ability to mentor younger volunteers.

However, even if the Peace Corps reaches its goal of having 15 percent of its volunteers over 50, the overwhelming majority will remain recently minted college graduates. And too often these young volunteers lack the maturity and professional experience to be effective development workers in the 21st century.

This wasn't the case in 1961 when the Peace Corps sent its first volunteers overseas. Back then, enthusiastic young Americans offered something that many newly independent nations counted in double and even single digits: college graduates. But today, those same nations have millions of well-educated citizens of their own desperately in need of work. So it's much less clear what inexperienced Americans have to offer.

The Peace Corps has long shipped out well-meaning young people possessing little more than good intentions and a college diploma. What the agency should begin doing is recruiting only the best of recent graduates — as the top professional schools do — and only those older people whose skills and personal characteristics are a solid fit for the needs of the host country.

The Peace Corps has resisted doing this for fear that it would cause the number of volunteers to plummet. The name of the game has been getting volunteers into the field, qualified or not.

In Cameroon, we had many volunteers sent to serve in the agriculture program whose only experience was puttering around in their mom and dad's backyard during high school. I wrote to our headquarters in Washington to ask if anyone had considered how an American farmer would feel if a fresh-out-of-college Cameroonian with a liberal arts degree who had occasionally visited Grandma's cassava plot were sent to Iowa to consult on pig-raising techniques learned in a three-month crash course. I'm pretty sure the American farmer would see it as a publicity stunt and a bunch of hooey, but I never heard back from headquarters.

For the Peace Corps, the number of volunteers has always trumped the quality of their work, perhaps because the agency fears that an objective assessment of its impact would reveal that while volunteers generate good will for the United States, they do little or nothing to actually aid development in poor countries. The agency has no comprehensive system for self-evaluation, but rather relies heavily on personal anecdote to demonstrate its worth.

Every few years, the agency polls its volunteers, but in my experience it does not systematically ask the people it is supposedly helping what they think the volunteers have achieved. This is a clear indication of how the Peace Corps neglects its customers; as long as the volunteers are enjoying themselves, it doesn't matter whether they improve the quality of life in the host countries. Any well-run organization must know what its customers want and then deliver the goods, but this is something the Peace Corps has never learned.

This lack of organizational introspection allows the agency to continue sending, for example, unqualified volunteers to teach English when nearly every developing country could easily find high-caliber English teachers among its own population. Even after Cameroonian teachers and education officials ranked English instruction as their lowest priority (after help with computer literacy, math and science, for example), headquarters in Washington continued to send trainees with little or no classroom experience to teach English in Cameroonian schools. One volunteer told me that the only possible reason he could think of for having been selected was that he was a native English speaker.

The Peace Corps was born during the glory days of the early Kennedy administration. Since then, its leaders and many of the more than 190,000 volunteers who have served have mythologized the agency into something that can never be questioned or improved. The result is an organization that finds itself less and less able to provide what the people of developing countries need — at a time when the United States has never had a greater need for their good will.

Robert L. Strauss has been a Peace Corps volunteer, recruiter and country director. He now heads a management consulting company.

ps, i'm reading a really interesting book now called "Innocents Abroad" by Jonathan Zimmerman. it's about teachers abroad in the 20th century, with a large emphasis on Peace Corps Volunteers, and the changing perceptions of their roles and purposes abroad. i'd recommend it!

happy new year

2008-01-14T04:22:00.000-05:00

i swear i'm working on a new update. but there's so much to say that i'm struggling to get started and not make it a novel. maybe it will come in installments.

until then i got a new year's card from my cousins today which wished us all "love and laughter in 2008," which i really liked. so i wish you all love, laughter, and a place of peace in your lives in the coming year.

changing perspectives

2007-12-11T03:27:00.000-05:00

i was in the peace corps landcruiser the other day and there was luggage in front and 3 people behind me on the seat. this isn't that unusual as the seat is supposed to fit four people. what was unusual is that before i looked behind me and consciously saw the 3 other people i sat there thinking "gosh, i have so much space here today!"

i wonder if, when, and how those perspectives are going to change. will i eventually go back to thinking that that is squished and that i want my personal space? will i eventually go back to thinking that my house is small? i mean, i have a bed, a table, a chair, space to cook, space for my bike... what more do i need? it's HUGE for one person by zambian standards. and my yard would make all those suburban americans with kids sooooo jealous! will i ever think that spending 1 MILLION zambian kwacha on the GMAT makes sense? that's more than most of my neighbors will ever see at any given time in their entire lives? (it's $250).

the money is one thing that i think may never change. relativity around prices may always confuse me. as for space... i wonder.

finally, some pictures!

2007-11-26T03:00:00.000-05:00

yay, i'm finally get pictures up!!! hope you all enjoy. i made them small so that i could get them up faster and there's a bit of graininess (sp?). but i hope you like. i'd love comments now that you have some visuals on my world! :-)

toga party at provincials

me and lyndsey

me and lisa at her site

a community school in mpika (about 30 km from the town)

girls dancing as they prepare for independence day celebrations

kids on a road near mwamfushi school

lala!

lala!

stream marking the scout camp from the game management area near north luangwa national park

sunset from my house

mountains along the great north road

great north road - major road to tanzania, dar es salaam, and a port out... so lots and lots of shipping goes through here. the last truck i got in was carrying vodaphone cell phones from durban to dar! :-)

lake at shiwa n'gandu

mountains around the great north road

my crazy tan lines!

bags of caterpillars. apparently these sell for about 1,000,000 kwacha (or $250)

a girl with a handful of caterpillars on our field trip

me and prince outside my house when we got back to no roof one night (it was taken off... not blew off, in case you were worried)

roof in progress

finished roof

pics

2007-11-23T04:21:00.001-05:00

ah, i'm trying to upload pictures and this internet doesn't seem to be working. it keeps ALMOST finishing and then not going through... i'm going to try again. but, if not, they're coming. i promise!

thanksgiving

2007-11-23T04:20:00.000-05:00

Ok, I’m writing this at the peace corps house and hoping that when I get into town I can upload a bunch of pictures. There should be brief descriptions beneath them all…

Yesterday was Thanksgiving. I find Thanksgiving to be one of the hardest holidays to replicate. There’s nothing like being at home all day in Chicago, with the weather cold (I heard snowy!!) outside, and my family bustling around me to prepare way way way too much food. And even as a hectically prepared volunteer meal doesn’t quite compare to my mom and my sister’s various gourmet spreads each year, I feel I have so much to be thankful for here… both in terms of the experience I’m getting here and the people I’m meeting and who are caring for me, but also in terms of what I have at home – people who love me and who I love, my health, my education, my experiences…

My mom wrote a note when I left that said “Embrace this part of your life as joyfully and wisely as you’ve done so far… And remember that scattered all around the world are hundreds of people who love you and are here for you if you need them.” At the time that felt daunting and scary. I would, most definitely, need them, I thought.

I carry that note with me everywhere because at the airport in America, almost one year ago, the only safe place to put it was in my passport carrier, and that’s where it has stayed. This year in particular, being far away, I often get a strange reminder of that. There are so many people I’m so far away from and who often feel very distant. And yet, in this country where there is both so much suffering and so much joy, I am constantly reminded of where I’ve come from, the experiences that have helped to shape me, and, most importantly, of the people who shaped those experiences. Whether through letters or text messages or e-mails or phone calls and random (sometimes I think divinely intervened) thoughts I often remember how many people I love because of how they’ve played a role in my life and how I’ve leaned on them or continue to lean on them. And, I am thankful for that. Very thankful.

moments to capture

2007-11-23T04:16:00.000-05:00

I wish that I could capture moments here and put them in my mind forever and in your minds, the people who are reading this…

Like, the other day as Prince, a friend of mine here, and I walked down the hill at my house to one of my little itty bitty neighbors standing at the top with his little head tilted against his arm that was, for some reason, raised up in the air saying “Bye ba Anna! Bye! Bye!”

Or, one of the kids who a wildlife officer and I took out into the bush to learn about caterpillars (a HUGE delicacy here) asking “Ba Moses, you said that insects have 6 legs when you were talking about butterflies, but if insects only have 6 legs, is a spider not an insect?” Oh, I love the inquiry, I love the honesty of the question, I love the creativity and I LOVED watching these kids, who never get to go on field trips or do hands on learning, running through the bush and finding caterpillars and then asking questions, being curious, and having a teacher responding so positively and constructively to that curiosity.

Or, the kids diving and chasing after the bubbles my mom sent. Or asking for the marshmallows that I taught them to roast by saying “Ba Anna, give me a marsh, a marsh?”

Or, a friend of mine and I standing, laughing, wearing raincoats, and eating egg salad sandwiches in my house in the one dry spot, because everywhere else the rain is pouring through the thatch. Or, the next day, when I’m in the house by myself and the rain starts to drip through the rain tarp, the reed mat, AND the plastic sheet I have above my bed to keep it dry I think “Why, oh why, did I think moving to a thatch hut in the middle of an African village was a good idea?” (luckily, I think the roof is pretty much fixed. A couple issues still to go, but I’m much drier!)

Or, the random bamaayo (mom) on my path home who notices I’m not on my bicycle today and says “but, ba Anna, where is your bicycle?!” How does she know? Why does she know? Why does she care? Sometimes the response to that is an utter frustration that I’m always watched, but increasingly it’s a realization that people notice other people and ask them about their lives. When something’s different you greet, you ask, you comment. You interact in a way that we’ve distanced ourselves from in our fast-paced American craziness.

Or, the minibus driver in Lusaka who gave us a price of one pin (25 cents), then switched with his friend who tried to charge us two, and when we starting fighting and yelling at the guy about ripping us off and that we wouldn’t pay more than it was supposed to be, the other Zambians who were squished in the bus with us said “but it’s supposed to be one and half, why will you only pay one?” Oh, the constant struggle to not be taken advantage of. We paid one because that’s what we agreed to when we got in, but I got off feeling both taken advantage of and, as always, the recipient of somewhat bizarrely preferential treatment simply for the color of my skin. We paid less than we should have because that’s what he told us first but only after yelling, being yelled at, AND realizing that Zambians DO pay more than that…

Or, my little neighbor kid, who doesn’t even really speak, but when he sees my bicycle in town (not necessarily with me even ON it!) says “ba Anna! Ba Anna!” in a slight crescendo.

Or, the kids who are my house running around with the dog yelling “Lala! Lala! Lala!” Which quickly becomes “Lalalalalalalala!” ah.

Maybe I’ll stop there today. I think I’m ABOUT to figure out a way to ship books here and I’ll keep people updated in the next couple weeks about where to send books so that you can get them into FIVE peace corps volunteer libraries in Northern Province. I miss you all, and as always I would LOVE to hear from you… letters, texts, e-mails, phone calls… any or all of the above are truly a gift.

witchcraft

2007-11-09T00:32:00.000-05:00

(trying to work in the shorter blogs, it's easier to write, and hopefully, easier to read).

a couple days ago at a ministry meeting one of the standards officers mentioned a meeting at a school in the district where they had had to meet with the head teacher and the deputy head and the PTA over allegations of witchcraft against the head teacher. apparently a married woman was accusing the head teacher of inhabiting her dreams. he was a wizard and was coming to her at night. the response of some of the office was "now, if she wanted him enough, she could make those visions come to her!" which is, of course according to me, true. but suddenly i started to think. yes witchcraft seems absurd and it also can be a very destructive part of society here as accusation and jealousies fly... but is it just one of our human ways to explain our pysches and our unexplainable illnesses?

there is more pain and suffering and though much of it can be explained my mosquitoes, unsafe sex, not washing hands or any other sanitary issues... much of it is also tied into systems on inequality and random unfairness and maybe witches can help to make you feel better about all of that. to feel less out of control. that said, a head teacher shouldn't be fired because some woman dreams about him. please.

women at the bus

2007-11-08T00:51:00.000-05:00

on my way down to lusaka two days ago we stopped at a turn off north. a couple people got off and as soon as we stopped we were, of course, surrounded by women selling all sorts of things: fruit, tomatoes, dried fish, potatoes... one woman came up to my window and as i looked at her i started, unconsciously, to feel sorry. there she was so dependent on these random whims of bus drivers. she worked all day standing in the hot sun or, as the case may be now, the rain with a heavy baby tied to her back. "i should buy something" i thought. then as she counted the change that the man behind me had given her she broke out in this huge, incredibly beautiful smile. he had given her the wrong change and they started joking with each other. i realized i didn't really want any of the fruit she was selling. yes, her life is difficult, yes there is pain in her life that i wouldn't want in mine (and don't want to be in hers!) but, i also so that incredible smile and realized how judgemental i was being... she doesn't need pity.

puppies

2007-11-07T11:27:00.000-05:00

i just got a puppy. her name is lala. one of my favorite images so far was when she came up quietly behind rex, one of my cats (who currently hates her), so that rex didn't know she was there. rex is starting to let her get a little closer but this was pushing it. lala put her little paw out and touched rex's back. rex jumped around and looked at lala for about 3 seconds. lala was so surprised that rex wasn't hissing that she started to jump and bark. at which point rex, clearly thinking "what IS this thing?!" started to hiss. and promptly ran away to go back into the house. why lala thinks the best way to be friends with the cats is to bark at them and try to jump on them i think is just a difference between cats and dogs.

time

2007-11-01T02:51:00.000-04:00

i got a little package yesterday from an old family friend which made me think about two things. (first, thank you annie! it was wonderful).

first, in some ways i'm so far away and then in other ways this distance allows for this unique kind of connection... i get notes and packages and pictures from people who, in the states, i see and talk to rarely. and here because we're so far away that connection needs to be made to feel like we care about each other. so, letters, text messages, phone calls, packages are these amazing gifts which remind you of specific people in specific moments and which seem so natural to the person and which i hold and cherish as these little reminders of the people i love. whether it's a dr. seuss book or earrings or prayers or a book about american teachers abroad i see them all and think of someone specific. it's kind of amazing.

second, annie wrote about writing and sending in "haste" and how she does everything these days in haste and that the only time that wasn't true was when she was travelling. i have so much time here. time to fill with pets and people and meetings and which sometimes feels productive and sometimes feels incredibly empty. and yet, i fear the time when i get back to america and CAN'T read because i don't have time or don't watch the sunset or greet people as i pass them. it's frustrating here but isn't the opposite just as frustrating?

muzungu

2007-10-17T05:34:00.000-04:00

the little shriek of joy as i ride my bike past some little kid who yells out "ba muzungu!" (a white person!).

it makes me smile and cringe. that i can be labeled so easily seems to contradict my universal american sensibilities. and yet, it's true. and her excitement at my passing can't help but make me want to be nice to her. do i challenge her stereotypes or do i just exist in her world of friendly white people? does it really matter?

update

2007-10-12T06:17:00.000-04:00

first, happy birthday dad! it's today, so i'll get it up for all to see!

wow, it's been a while since i put an update on here. i guess it's because things have been pretty hectic this month. i've been up at the kasama house three times for various meetings: a youth career week, a general peace corps meetings with formal updates and info, and a training with counterparts from our villages on HIV and AIDS. they've all been pretty interesting in their own ways, though it's meant that i've been in and out of my house and my village A LOT.

the youth career week was interesting because we brought two kids from schools from each of our villages or areas. in years past we've brought just girls and done a girls career week but this year decided to bring one boy and one girl because gender isn't just about girls, it's also about discussing and understanding masculinity and the interaction between boys and girls or men and women.

i took one of the activities from that week back to my village and did it with my youth group. it was an activity where the boys and girls divide up into separate groups and make lists of: the good things about being a girl, the bad things about being a girl, the good things about being a boy, and the bad things about being a boy. both groups make all four lists. it was interesting to watch both times because both times the girls had a pretty hard time coming up with positives that weren't superficial. they all had "women are beautiful" or "women have beautiful bodies" or "women don't have to propose" or "women don't have to make as much money." but, when it came to things that were more complicated, they struggled. giving birth and breastfeeding showed up on both the good and bad list eventually, which is, i guess, understandable!

in both groups the boys also put on their negative list that "boys have more responsibility." i was interested to see what they meant when they wrote that because in many ways i'm constantly in awe of the many many many things that women do here: get water, cook, farm, watch after children, shop, sell things in the market and make money, knit and sew clothes, act as nurses and caregivers and traditional birth attendants and initiation ceremony leaders... sometimes it feels like there are just so few men around. but, both the girls and the boys seemed to agree that the men have more "responsibility" in some way. i questioned why and the boys said "well, if we get a girl pregnant we have to make sure that we are giving her money for food." i almost started to laugh: what about the girl who is pregnant and now has a CHILD to care for? i pointed to the two other leaders of the youth group, one man and one woman, and said "hmm, interesting point, though which one of these two seems to have a more constant responsibility for the child?" they smiled a little because even as she sat in that youth group session, beauty had her beautiful baby boy tied to her back. oy, gender, HOW do we start?

on that note, in our provincial meetings, i ran for our national gender committee. so, i'll probably be in charge of next year's youth career week and then also in charge of trying to get other peace corps volunteers interested and connected to the gender aspect of what we're all doing here. though, i write that and then sit here kind of thinking "what on earth do i mean by that?!" it's going to be a challenge since we're all all over the place and all doing such different things, and don't have any money to do things on a peace corps volunteer-wide basis. much of our funding opportunities focus on community initiated projects and not things that might bring other, more random groups of peace corps volunteers or counterparts together.

this last meeting, however, was a meeting with 16 peace corps volunteers and 16 counterparts from our villages about HIV and AIDs and it was really interesting in some of the things we brought up for each other. at one point we divided into our own groups to talk about our expectations of the other (what WE expect from our community to be effective and what THEY expect from us) in order to be successful in approaching HIV and AIDS in our community. Many of our various expectations were so difficult, that we really want to push each other. it was sooooo nice to see that of each other because often i feel this general "oh we're so lucky to have you, help us in any way you can, just tell us what to do" sentiment, which is so hard to process. i want to scream "tell me what YOU want and what YOU can do!" or, maybe better, "tell me what you don't want!"

one of the conversations with that led to a conversation where they started saying that they see us as a link to other organizations that can get them resources. many of us responded with the usual fear that we have when people start asking us for THINGS, and started saying "you know, it's hard for us to give things because we don't have much and to trust that people will actually use them." but finally i started also realizing how much i also feel that sentiment, that i DO want to help my counterparts access resources: computers, software, books, transport (if only i could do that!), medicines, testing services, bicycles, art supplies... and there's this hesitation on our part because SO many people ask us for things that it's exhausting to try to figure what we really CAN find and offer and who really WILL use what we find outside of themselves... but, that we really should all think of ourselves as those links, and that, in many ways, the volunteers like myself who live near towns need to start being the link to those resources. one problem with that is that the systems to distribute resources are so random, uneven, even unfair... they are unannounced, done by several different NGOs or government agencies at different times and places and with different resources and amounts. how are people supposed to know how to access any of that?!

another conversation was divided by gender and we talked about ways to talk to women and youth about sex and sexuality. it's so hard here because there are such hesitations and such a strong belief that if you talk to kids about sex they'll just start having it. we were meeting with one NGO leader who distributes birth control here and asking what the policy is to giving birth control to teenage girls. he said they don't, to which a friend of mine and i said "do you SEE the 13 year old girls who are pregnant?!" it ended up being a pretty hilarious conversation as we kept pushing his buttons. it ended with him telling us we should be abstinent and us asking him (after a comment of HIS about the cultural acceptability of married men with girlfriends) if HE had one. it was pretty funny and we got some chitenges (the wrap skirts that all zambian women wear all the time) with prints from their mosquito net campaign on them. they're pretty hilarious and i can't wait to get it back to my village! yay for insecticide treated nets (though, i have to admit we were hoping for the condom chitenges! ha!). so few of those conversations happen so frankly in the village. maybe people don't speak english well enough, or maybe we're trying to more appropriate and culturally accepted... but we don't ask those kinds of questions to many people. so, the opportunity to push some of those buttons, ask some hard questions, and be challenged myself was this welcome and cherished chance. it reminded me of what i so loved about seeds of peace: this chance to truly push people to defend their positions and challenge them on things that seem, in many ways, to be integral parts of their cultural identities. "WHY do you do things this way?!" i wish we had more opportunities like that and i wish we had the chance to also create more spaces like that. it's hard.

hmm, what else? next week we're doing a training in my village with peace corps volunteers from all over the country who live in or near the BOMA (district capital) and work with the ministry of education offices. it should be fun to see everyone and i think it will be really interesting to start some conversations amongst ourselves about what we're all doing and also with our ministry counterparts about the role they see us as playing ideally.

and then, i think, i'll head up to lake tanganyika for three days before i head down to lusaka for a training with some of the leaders from my youth group around youth center management, information management, and peer education. i'm excited and i think the money for that JUST came through. it links into my eventual wish to build a youth center in my village. i really want to create a space that youth can hang out, learn from each other, study, get information about HIV, and just BE that's safe... there are so few outlets for kids that it's no wonder they turn to other elsewhere! they are bored, full of energy, interested in each other and ready to explore, both sexually and also just out into the fields and mountains and lakes.

also, on a project note, i've been really disconnected from some of the things i was working on this month, but i'm definitely still trying to start a book campaign and if you're interested in sending books, getting involved with getting me books, that would be AMAZING. i'm starting to think about whether or not it's something that could last beyond when i'm here and people can just send books over that would get divvied up between the several libraries that peace corps volunteers, even just in northern province, are all starting. send me books!

ok, i think this is long enough and rambling enough. i'm sorry if today it wasn't making as much sense or felt a little more ADD, that's kind of what I feel like today! also, i just decided that i'll be in israel over christmas. a friend from college is getting married and i'm going with two friends from here... so please if you'll be anywhere nearby, i'd love to see you and catch up. i'm so excited to be back in the middle east, have a chance to go to shabbat services, speak arabic, bring a sheesha back with me, see friends... i can't wait!

i miss you all so much and, as always, i'll put in a plea for mail. i LOVE it. it's slowing down and I'M slowing down at responding, but letters are truly this wonderful gift. keep them coming!

behavior change and getting busy

2007-09-07T06:12:00.000-04:00

Moments to remember:
- the sound of the little feet chasing my bicycle after I pass some kids on my way home
- my neighbors baby STILL crying every time she sees me
- my taxi driver telling me he loves me and even though I’m “dating” someone in America, we could date because that’s “far away!” Thanks, but no thanks
- my neighbor’s 1 year old son kicking my punctured football that’s the size of his head
- my cats figuring out how to jump through the hole in my grass thatched roof so that they can sit in the sun up there away from the iwes (little kids) who inhabit my yard during daylight hours
- all of iwes running, shrieking, and diving after the bubbles that my mom sent in her last package
- two people asking, when I mentioned that my dad was getting married, if he was going to have two wives

I’m feeling more and more like my life is here. At times it still feels crazy, to try to make a life here and to try to be productive in some ways… but, increasingly, I have routines here and, whether or not I have lots of people who I would really call friends, I have lots of people who are friendly and who make me smile and feel happy with my life: neighbors, kids, counterparts at the ministry or NGOs… it’s hard to make real friends who I feel like our relationships are even and symmetrical because I’m busy, or I can’t communicate, or I want time to myself, or we can communicate through language but our cultural differences are still being communicated.

My work is taking off. I’m trying to start a library at one of my schools (if anyone wants to hold a book drive for me, e-mail me please!!!!), get computers for some of my schools (if anyone has creative ideas for how to shop computers, let me know!), start an environmental education pilot project with the Zambian Wildlife Authority, take some of the leaders from my youth group to Lusaka for training at another youth center, teach computer skills at the ministry and I’m still trying to do work with my women’s groups. I think we’re going to try to make paper next week. I found a recipe to make paper out of corn husks on the internet, what could be better here?! Though it’s not that season… but maybe in the spring?

Some of the work is moving fast and quickly. When I have good counterparts it can be incredible. It’s people like that that make me feel like there’s so much possibility in this country. In other places, it’s frustrating. Often not because of counterparts at all, but because of my inability to communicate fluently. I left a women’s group meeting last week wondering why on earth I think my coming in with condoms and explaining in ENGLISH without much of a translator will translate to ANY kind of behavior change? I mean, why should it? And, even if I could speak Bemba fluently, why would these older women, mothers who teach ME how to lights fires and cook and paint my walls and wax my floors, listen to me? It made me question my ability to ever be culturally fluent or competent and truly made me question the effectiveness of outside NGOs ever. Why do we think we can come in and change things?

Yet, then this week, I had a meeting with the same group. We were doing a lesson on HIV and AIDS that I call “myths and facts.” I read statements and the women were supposed to raise their hands if they thought it was “chishinka” (true) and keep their hands down if they thought it was a “bufi” (lie). The women got a lot of the answers right and a lot of the women just followed the other ones, but they asked questions and took notes. And then at the end I passed out pieces of paper so they could write their questions down and not put their names on them. It worked, though in a funny way. Women wrote down some great questions, questions that were about them, how to care for neighbors, how to care for children… but a lot of them were somewhat illegible so we’d have to go to the person and clarify what they said anyway. So even as I attempted to make it not obvious who was asking it become obvious, but women didn’t stop asking. So, even in this group with many illiterate women writing questions was easier than asking EVEN if people knew who asked. Anyway, I left that meeting feeling the opposite from the week before… that I was useful, that AS an outsider I could address things they maybe couldn’t, that they were interested.

Yet, it didn’t have much to do with “behavior change” which is increasingly becoming a word I’m a little uncomfortable with. Who gets to define behavior change’s benefits? When do you cross the line of changing someone’s behavior because they want to with forcing people to change their traditions and cultures?

I just read an incredible book about HIV and AIDS in Southern Africa: The Invisible Cure by Helen Epstein. She writes a lot about the failures of massive international campaigns: to use condoms, to get tested, to abstain… for various reasons their impersonal natures were unable to massively change behavior…. That really, the places where you SEE the changes are in small-scale projects that teach people to care for each other and themselves. Women’s groups that talk about sexual or physical abuse for the first time in their lives, kids who are given the opportunity to cry for their dead parents, communities who feed, clothe, and bathe their dying neighbors, women who can take out loans… the places were HIV and AIDS are talked about as personal pain get their numbers down; whereas, big campaigns don’t have much effect in the long run. Not so surprising when you think about it… but as someone coming from the outside, white, a young woman, how can I possibly create that safe space that is so needed? I’d REALLY recommend the book, it’s incredibly interesting and an easy read.

In some ways, I feel I can’t create that space, so instead I need to help people in the other ways that I, as an outside, can: build libraries, talk about education and sex and AIDS, teach computer skills, teach about the environment, go with people to get tested if their willing, give people a vision of a bigger world and be a caregiver in the best way I can… to kids, colleagues, neighbors, friends. It’s almost about leading by example in some way, that that’s what I can give and some of the rest HAS to come from powerfully motivated Zambians. They are the people who know how to communicate and know where the boundaries are that need to be pushed and they exist! All over. All these incredible people who have ideas that never get acknowledged or realized and who don’t have the resources to start projects, even ones that might fail but from which they would learn. So, I’m trying to find them.

Otherwise, things are mostly good… moving forward, less homesick, though letters from home are such gifts that I still get teary when I read them, less sick in general, and much more able to envision what two years here may look like. My roof is supposed to be fixed tomorrow (so the cats won’t be able to climb out my hole!) and maybe by the time it gets hot I’ll have an insaka (an outdoor hut/cooking shelter) to sit in the shade under… my library, my computer projects, my youth group, and my women’s groups might take off in some way soon…

So, in honor of 5 months at site and 7 ½ in country and 20 to go I’ll close with yet another invitation to come visit… see the “real Africa” (as Zambia advertises itself), my iwes, my women and neighbors and the beautiful savannah and incredible sunsets that make you feel that this country just deserves more: more time, more money, more faith from the outside, more training, more opportunity, more schools, more books… and maybe less wind and fewer kids. 

And lastly, I love hearing from you. If that’s by real letter (a lost art, I’m telling you!), by e-mail, by text message whatever… I just got a great e-mail from a brown friend who was reading this and just wanted to say hi. Don’t hold back! They make me smile. And, I’ll write back, eventually, I promise!

call your rep

2007-07-28T09:40:00.000-04:00

I've copied and pasted an e-mail that i just got from AJWS about the new bill in congress to support ending the restrictions on US funding for HIV/AIDS projects. this may be one of the most political things i ever write on this blog since mostly it seems to be about my own musings. BUT i think this is a pretty critical issue. right now, PEPFAR funding in Africa (which is an amazing resource and is putting tons of people on meds) basically puts huge restrictions on organizations talking about condoms and/or abortions. in africa, when an organization that works with HIGH SCHOOL students can't talk about condoms that funding is doing those kids a HUGE disservice. they are having sex and though abstinence is definitely the only way to protect yourself fully, most kids don't decide to do that and many many women don't really HAVE the choice. we need to give them the most possible information about ways in which they can protect themselves and condoms are an obvious, easy, cheap way to do that!

don't get me too wrong. i think PEPFAR is an amazing initiative, but to put restrictions on it in these ways minimizes its impact, which at a time like this is a unjustice to those it is attempting to serve.

please read the letter below (an e-mail from American Jewish World Service), read up on the bill yourself, and call your reps to get them involved in making our AIDS work that much more effective.

Dear Hannah,

Today, roughly 40 million people worldwide are infected with HIV, the virus that leads to AIDS. As you might already know, AJWS is a strong supporter of increased U.S. global funding for HIV and AIDS prevention, treatment and care.

We are deeply concerned, however, about restrictions in U.S. funding that are undermining efforts to prevent the greatest number of new infections possible. Each year, there are well over four million new infections, and the highest rates of new infections are among women and youth ages 15 to 24. Unfortunately, a large share of U.S. global AIDS funding for prevention currently goes to abstinence-only-until marriage programs that have been discredited by experts in the United States and abroad.

As Congress approaches its August recess, we need YOUR help to change these policies.

Please call and urge your Representative to cosponsor the PATHWAY Act (Protection Against Transmission of HIV for Women and Youth Act) of 2007, HR 1713. The PATHWAY Act would eliminate funding restrictions on prevention programs, and require the President to develop a plan to strengthen prevention strategies aimed at women and youth.

Making the call is easy. Here is the number and a sample script:

Call Representative Kennedy at (202) 225-4911

My name is __________ and I'm from __________. I'm calling to ask [insert your Representative's name here] to cosponsor the PATHWAY Act of 2007(HR 1713), which would remove the 33% abstinence-until-marriage earmark on global HIV prevention funding. As a constituent, it is important to me that U.S. funding goes toward providing effective, comprehensive HIV prevention programs. Thank you.

So please, pick up the phone today and make your voice heard. And remember to click here after you complete your call, so we can track our progress.

Thank you for taking action to fight this global pandemic.

AJWS Action Team

the last month

2007-07-28T09:22:00.000-04:00

Wow, it’s been a long time since I last wrote. And it’s been an up and down time. We’ll start with the down, but I promise that because this is really long, that if you read further you’ll get to the up part!

Starting about a month ago I had a very challenging two weeks at site. It started with thinking that maybe someone got into my house. This wasn’t really that big a deal because the only thing that seemed to be missing were biscuits (cookies, sorry for the British speak!). But it just made me feel violated in a similar way to when my ipod was taken… that my house is my one safe space in some ways, when I want to ignore people, when I need to listen to music or write, when I cook, it’s my space and the only person that really comes in is Christen, the girl who gets my water and takes care of the house and cats when I’m gone… so when it seemed like someone had gotten in I just felt like I didn’t have a space in quite the same way. It didn’t happen again so I’ve tried to stop worrying.

That was followed by a pretty crazy bike accident. I was fine and it happened because me and another guy collided (I don’t really know whose fault it was… there seems to be no rhyme or reason to the side of the road you ride your bike on here, so who knows?!). I was fine, he was fine, but my bike was bent. Luckily for me I was getting a site visit from one of my supervisors in Lusaka and one in Kasama and the guy from Kasama was able to fix my bike the next day!

But, before they came and the bike was fixed I had a crazy man come to my house and scream and threaten me. This, Peace Corps decided, was serious enough that I should take it to the police. So, along with fixing my bike, my two supervisors and I spent a day at the police station arresting the guy. It seems that he was crazy and possibly also high, not sure. He was very crazy at my house, very crazy at the police station, and then on day 2 at the police station he was much more sane and apologetic and, seemingly, aware. So, I decided not to prosecute and not to go to court if he signed a statement saying he wouldn’t come back to my house and that he understood if he did I would go back to the police. I also haven’t seen him again and am, again, trying not to worry! The whole thing was kind of scary but also really encouraging. So many of my neighbors came to me to say that they hoped I was ok and that he was crazy and that they wanted me to stay and that they knew he shouldn’t come back and would keep him away if he tried to! So, women in the market and the man who runs a guesthouse on the other side of town and my neighbors and teachers all told me I shouldn’t worry and they would keep me safe, which is nice to know.

The two weeks culminated with a fire at my house. This is particularly scary because I have thatch roofing on my hut, so hypothetically it could just all go up in flames, which happens fairly frequently, especially while they burn the bush. Luckily the kids, who are always at my house, saw smoke coming from the house and quickly got my neighbors who literally broke down my door and put the fire out. It seems that the fire started from left over coals that the cats knocked a bag of charcoal onto. Everything was fine but this may have been the scariest part of the two weeks… just feeling like in some many ways I am incompetent and that I can loose that one safe space I have. It was the first time that feeling here just felt soooo out of control. I had several tearful conversations with my mom and the phone about feeling helpless. I also had three of the women who I’m closest to in my village come into my house and hug me as I cried just about being scared right as I ran into the house after the fire had been put out. It was scary to let them in like that in some ways, but also good, to let myself be loved by them I think. Good to realize that there are people who are getting to the point that they can also take care of me emotionally, which is so hard to do when you’re just getting to know each other and have, at times, a lot of difficulty communicating.

But, in some ways, if I was going to feel unsettled and lonely and in need of other volunteers it couldn’t have been better timed because I got to leave right after that. Two days later I headed down to Lusaka for the next set of our PC trainings. It’s called In Service Training (or IST) and it’s the people from your group (for me the health and education volunteers who came in January) and then the same programs from the year before (health and ed from 2006). I came down a day early on a bus where I spent a third of the ride on a box in the aisle and then the next third squished into the back corner with all of the luggage people STUFFED onto the bus and then, finally, the last third I got some space and some sleep.

Then, when I finally got to Lusaka, I went to visit my host family from training. It was really fun to see them and I gave them some of the pics I took when I was with them… of my mom and dad and of my sisters dancing and my adorable little nephew. They loved them and just passed them around and around. We got to meet a bunch of the new trainees which was also fun. It’s crazy to think how much I’ve learned and how comfortable I feel with even just 4 more months than them… language, ability to negotiate, ability to get places by myself on transport, images and ideas I have about my job and my routine and life… I spent the night at the training site and then headed into Lusaka the next day.

IST was really pretty good. I was anticipating being frustrated by it; but mostly, I think, it was good to see people again and now that we have a much better idea of what we’re doing and what we WANT to do we can look at each other as resources in a new and more constructive way. So even though the week was overwhelming and I finished it feeling like I still have A LOT of organizing to do before I can get anything done with any of my projects I felt more excited about actually getting some of that work done.

So, some of the projects I’m working on, both limited to my head and already going with Zambian counterparts, are a zonal resource center at my head school, a library at another school, a writing contest to help open the library another volunteer is starting, linking up with micro-loan programs to get some of my women’s groups loans, a tree-planting project (people at Hillels or synagogues, I’d LOVE to hear from you!), continued IGA trainings with schools in my area, and a youth group. It seems like A LOT and I might go nuts, but, we’ll see!

Finally, after that week in Lusaka several other volunteers and I headed to Malawi for a few days. We went to Nkata Bay, which is quite possibly one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever been. Lake Malawi is one of the Rift Valley lakes and so the mountains of the escarpment just come shooting straight down into the lake. Apparently the deepest part of the lake is near where we were and does down 700 meters! We stayed at this beautiful little place called Myoka Village which is just chalets built on to the cliffs. They serve food and you can swim (schisto here I come!) and just sit in the sun or hammock and look out at the beautiful lake. I miss water and I miss swimming and it was warm and just sooooo incredibly beautiful. I felt so at peace being there.

Mostly my friend Keli and I did our planning together even though we were there with other people. SO, we went back together while other people stayed for a bit longer and our ride back was pretty eventful. We tried to hitch for a couple hours and right when we finally decided to give up and go pay for a slow, crowded mini-bus another muzungu (white person) pulled over. He was going to Lilongwe and would, of course, take us! We were super excited, got in the car, chatted with him. He’s a visiting American professor teaching at a Malawian university about computer security and his brother was a PCVolunteer in Latin America. Amazing! Unfortunately about half an hour into our ride, his car broke down. He hitched a ride back to town while we decided to stay there and try to catch another ride at least heading in the direction of Lilongwe. Someone pulled over pretty quickly but in the process of the 6 hour drive south said he had a quick “20 minute” stop at a bank. It turned into half an hour there and half an hour back and an hour at the bank and then he forgot something and had to go back.

So we left Nkata Bay at 6:30 and arrived in Lilongwe around 7 at night with a lot of waiting, some riding in the back of a truck, and some being squished in the cab together as part of those 12 hours. Our plan had been to make it back to Zambia but we couldn’t really after it got dark and so we stayed at the Lilongwe Peace Corps house instead, which ended up being really nice. It was really interesting to meet some of the Malawi volunteers and we got to meet some of the new ones who swore in two days ago and were posted today!

I feel like since so much has happened in the last month I’m skimming over a lot… so maybe I’ll put some of the undeveloped thoughts that have come up in that month here and let you let your minds wander over them. Send e-mails or letters for more depth or questions!

As we were heading to the Malawi border it was a gray day and the clouds were floating in between the mountains at the border. It was Sunday so traffic was quiet but there were still a lot of people riding their bikes into town… the quiet peacefulness of these men riding their bicycles up and down the hills made me feel calm and that I life in a beautiful place. Bikes are so important here. They are a symbol of some wealth since they aren’t cheap and they are literal means of connection. People ride them miles and miles with all sorts of things on them. My favorite of the last two weeks was a door frame. But it’s wood and goal and people and food. One of the girls in my training group commented during training about how the US is full of cars that only one person drives while bikes in Zambia transport whole families and livelihoods.

When we were in Malawi I started to realize how much I’ve started to notice little things about Zambia. My first response to the houses on the side of the road in Malawi was that they seemed to be better structures than in Zambia. One might think this means bigger or not huts or something but for me it meant that I noticed there were more tin roofs and that often the thatch was done different or what looked like better or that there were many many more structures made out of brick (as opposed to mud) and that many more people seemed to have real doors and glass windows. Glass windows, tin roofs, and bricks now seem to be my categorization of a much better living structure… something I probably wouldn’t have even noticed 6 months ago when I first got here.

When we got back to the Zambia-Malawi border there were a couple other Americans who were having trouble with some of the border officials. They weren’t communicating well with each other and the fact that it now costs Americans $100 to get Zambian visas was surprising to them… Keli and I quickly became the in-betweens. All I had to do was start my conversation with a bit of Bemba and then ask about the problem and suddenly people were happy. This feeling that I could effectively communicate with the Zambian officials (mostly in English) because of how I’ve learned to speak “Zambian” kind of, felt very empowering… The immigration officer noticed that I bowed a bit at the knees when another Zambian handed me something and he laughed and said “We will have to give you honorary Zambian citizenship! You even know to bow when you give and receive! You are becoming a Zambian!” Since much of the time I feel that all I do here is stand out and act as the receiving end to people wanting to ask me for money joking with him and some of the police officers felt amazing.

One of the other volunteers here has her sister visiting and she’s been able to be here for a couple months, which seems so wonderful. But, she and I were talking about writing home and how her images from her sister’s letters and e-mails and conversations were SO different than what she’s seeing here, now… so I can only imagine the pictures I am creating in all of your minds. I feel I do some of it justice and then just misrepresent, or maybe just incompletely represent, so much… the invitation is open to anyone to come and visit. This country is so vibrant and beautiful and also lacking so much that is so hard to describe as opposed to just see and soak in. The same goes for Malawi… but even if you can’t come visit I hope anyone reading this feels welcome to push me to answer specifics. Ask me what you want and I’ll try to be as fair and direct as possible!

creating routine

2007-07-03T05:24:00.000-04:00

Things I miss:

-showerheads
-hot showers
-change in stores
-paved roads

Moments to remember:

- the fact that a complaint by the teachers at a school nearby were complaining of being “haunted” at night in their houses was taken seriously at the weekly staff meeting at the ministry of education

- I’m better at keeping up with “The New Yorker” here than I was when I was commuting in DC!

- I’ve started taking a survey each morning of how many people greet me: kids, adults, people I know, people I don’t know, in Bemba, in English, because I greet them first, because they greet me first. Haven’t gotten any numbers yet but let’s just say I’m never ignored. The last time I went to Kasama, where the PC house is, I got back and someone in town (not my village, the town, which is also the district capital) said “Oh, Ba Anna, you are back from Kasama!” oy.

ok, what i'm up too...
I find myself struggling with some of these blog entries. I know I’ve already written this, but I feel it’s hard to capture this reality in a way that will make any sense or be real. How do I capture what’s beautiful and what’s awful in a way that does justice to the people here and to my experience and my observations?

How do I capture the little kids screaming my name as I ride by on my bike? Or my neighbor waving to me in the morning with the traditional greeting “Oh, you’ve woken!”? (to which you reply, “yes, I have!” as if to just be grateful for that very fact). Or the sunsets that I get to watch from my house everyday? Or the teachers who ride over 20 km just to tell me they want me to come out to their schools and to set up a meeting? Or my neighbors who bring me food or teach me how to make Zambian food when they hardly have enough?

And then how do I capture the ironies and the pain… that the bank I go to doesn’t have a phone (let alone a computer or internet)? That the school one of my friends works with has 25 teachers for 1500 students? That one of the high schools near me had a 28% passing rate on last year’s grade 12 exams? That the women in one of my women’s groups estimated that their families live on an average of about $1000/year? I could easily pay that in rent per month when I come back to America and their entire families live on that in a year… That people want desperately to protect themselves against HIV but 1 in 5 people here is HIV+ and yet I haven’t met one person willing to say that they are in my village. 1 in 5 and I haven’t met one.

I think one of the most difficult things about being here is the up and down of each day. That I can have such successes: a neighbor asks for lit charcoal because I’ve successfully lit my fire, a meeting goes well, I say something correctly in Bemba. And they are also full of such questions and unknowns or struggles: how do I say something? Why won’t the kids listen to me? What can I teach a group of women who have nothing to start of with in terms of resources? Will a plan I have for a meeting work?

A friend a couple days ago said that the way she was looking at what we’re doing here is that it’s a learning process for everyone involved. That we’re learning: how to teach, how to organize, how to plan, how to communicate, what it means to develop or, I guess, fail in development. So, we’re coming in as educated individuals ready to work hard and that worst comes to worst we learn what doesn’t work and if nothing else our villages are no worse off then when we came, but we’re more equipped to move our projects/work further when we’re done here. That makes it sound like it’s all about me, us, the Peace Corps volunteers… which I don’t think is quite fair. We all fit ourselves into the “next step” in some way, shape, or form. The skills at facilitating, asking question, evaluating and adjusting seem to be things that we will just improve on, both throughout our time here and for wherever we head to next.

In other project news, the women’s group in my village came to a meeting and was huge! So, we’ve now divided them into 4 groups and are starting at the beginning… what they want to change about their community, what they want to learn in order to start that change, what they need in order to do it. I’m organizing a 3 hour business training workshop in two weeks. I often find myself asking if I really know enough to do these trainings, but then I often realize that I do; that what I come with in terms of skills and training and understanding of business just from living in the states is often more than the women in my village have the opportunity to experience. So, we’ll start with the basics and see where it goes.

Another project idea that recently came up was thinking about the deforestation here and the lack of big trees. I’d love to hear people’s thoughts on this idea… do you think we could partner up with hillels and synagogues to do a Tu B’Shevat campaign that would plant trees HERE? My idea is that we could plant fruit trees, so that people wouldn’t cut them down, in and around schools. The fruit could either be given to the kids or sold by the school as a form of income generation and they would combat the problem of shade and deforestation in the long run. It could also be combined with a series of lessons on environmentalism… Thoughts? Send them to me!

ok, i have to run. internet is getting expensive and i have to run to the grocery store before it closes. so i have lots more to say but it will have to wait. until then i LOVE personal e-mails, letters, questions, concerns, so send them on! and i even usually respond to them!! kisses to everyone.

starting to figure out what i'm doing here

2007-06-08T02:52:00.000-04:00

So, it’s been a while since I wrote… I think partly it’s because internet is expensive and I try to be quick, but partly it’s a hesitation on my part to try to capture this world. That no matter what I write I won’t quite get it “right.” Partly I want to explain the good parts but feel that that won’t quite capture the complexity of being here. And then partly I want to explain the frustrations, but I fear a misunderstanding of what I write… a simplification, an image that this place and these people are something that they aren’t… but, I’ll try.

Each day here seems to have so many ups and downs. Greeting my neighbors, having successful meetings, understanding Bemba better, learning how to cook new foods, watching the beautiful sunsets from my house, playing with my kitties, are combined with feeling lonely or that I still don’t know what I’m doing here, with my cats waking me up early, still not understanding complicated conversations, meetings not happening or being cancelled after sitting somewhere for two hours… I know that I don’t need to know what I’m doing here exactly. Several people have told me to have patience and faith and those are both things to work on and to develop and to learn. Yet, my brain desires some clarity at times and maybe to my dismay, I also desire a feeling of productivity.

That said, things here continue to settle more and more and the ups happen more often. I am starting to have lots of meetings in the next month, with schools, with women’s groups, and with kids. I’m working mostly on trying to get some of the schools to start Income Generating Activities (IGAs). In Peace Corps lingo we seem to not want to just call it “business.” Not sure why! Maybe it’s the development system’s fear of admitting that business is a key component to development and empowerment.

Anyway, I’m working with schools on IGAs and also starting to work with some women’s groups to start action plans and to think about how to generate money for the group and their communities. I had a meeting yesterday with women but it was cancelled because a man from the disaster management office in Lusaka had come up to do an evaluation and wanted to meet with the women. So, there were probably about 40 women there! Which is really exciting! And we’ve re-scheduled for tomorrow.

I’ve also started working with a group of 9th grade prefects at the school in town. We are doing a “leadership” class, which is something I struggle with a bit. What does it mean to teach these kids to be leaders? What are leaders in their community? And how do you teach kids, who have SO rarely been taught and encouraged to think creatively and outside the box, to do so?

My Bemba is getting better, though it’s still pretty limited to everyday usage. I can talk with my neighbors, I can communicate with the kids on a basic level. Though as soon as it gets more complicated, I get a bit lost. Also, the kids will come and sit on my porch and say something. I won’t understand and will say “nshumfwile” (I don’t understand). Instead of trying to explain themselves the kids will almost inevitably just repeat themselves louder a second, third, or fourth time. Oy, it’s frustrating. I have to spell out the specific word that I don’t understand and then SOMETIMES the kids will get it and try to explain or show me.

I’m starting to think about other projects… starting a micro-loan project on my own is a possibility. It’s a little scary to try to think about all the different parts, but I think giving people some initial capital to start projects is so necessary. So maybe we’ll start business-training classes and then tie it into either my own lending or the local micro-credit bank. I’m also interested in how to encourage people to start officially saving. All the banks here have a minimum to open an account and a minimum balance to maintain the account. Would it be possible to open a “bank” somehow that wouldn’t require that?

I’m also thinking of trying to teach a digital photography class, in order to both teach photography and a form of art, and also to teach computer skills. Right now I don’t have computers or cameras though, so it’s more in the long-run. Some of the teachers at the high school in town want to create an art exhibit with local art in the states. Anyone with any ideas about galleries that might be interested, I’d love to know!

I still feel this intense missing of people in a way that I never quite have before. Being here during Brown graduation was hard. I spent the entire day calculating the time difference to try to figure out what was happening on the east coast, when people were marching, graduating, getting diplomas. It was hard to not be there on Tess’ big day and it was also really hard to know how many people I love were there that day while I was in my hut.

Along those lines the letters and care packages are amazing. They feel, at times extravagant. As I go to the post office every other day, the postmen know my name. But, they allow me to feel a connection to people and to home, to make me feel like I’m not doing this so much on my own, and also to give me a time and a space to process what I am doing here as I write back. I think I’ve been pretty good about getting back to people, though I’m a bit behind now! People’s thoughts and questions and love mean so much to me. I can hardly begin to describe it. In some ways being let’s me be in touch with people and connected in ways that I’m sure would be impossibly or just unlikely were I still in the states. And, in other ways it’s so hard to be so far away, feeling that I’m missing events (like graduations and weddings) along with everyday life.

I also have been struggling with what exactly it means to be doing work here… that partly we’re here to work within a Zambian framework and help push projects that people here want to start or have already started. In contrast, partly Peace Corps works because we, as American westerners, are coming in with a supposed understand of what “development” looks like. Therefore, it’s understood that just because I went to a functioning school I can have an idea, an image of what schools here could do to improve. How is that sustainable? How is it not a western imposition? Yet, how can I argue with the fact that I DO have a better idea of a functioning school than most schools here! Also, how do I really think about sustainability when if it weren’t for outside aid this country would collapse, probably quite literally?

It’s made me start to think that I really want to go to business school. I’m not sure how that will eventually play itself out, but increasingly I feel that project management, entrepreneurship, marketing, problem-solving, and creativity are really what needs to happen here. People need skills in order to create resources and in order to do that they need to push limits and boundaries and be creative, independent thinkers. The development system as it exists now does much good to take care of people in the situation that they are in, but not much to change the status quo. People need care and food in the short term, but in the long-term there NEED to be changes to the system that allow people to feel empowerment in some real way, some ability to change their own lives. I know I sound like the Ashoka website, but maybe that’s a good thing!! (check out their website if you haven’t already: www.ashoka.org).

Ok, this is long, so I think I’m going to close here. I miss you all so very much and am getting a bit better at e-mails. So, if you’re feeling lazy to write a real letter, I have sometime on the internet and now have a flash so I can write up letters on other people’s computers and send them more quickly (which is what I’m doing now!). So, let me know where you are, what you’re doing, I love hearing it all! And critiques or suggestions for my ideas are ALWAYS welcome!! Much love and many kisses!

pics from mpika

2007-05-18T05:20:00.000-04:00

and, some more pics of kids in mpika. these are some of the kids that are at my house pretty much whenever i'm there. i've tried to set up SOME boundaries... for example, they can't play soccer before 8 am, and they have to leave by 18. and then some of these kids are just kids who were there that day. but they're cuties.

also, i've put a bunch of these up on snapfish now. if you want to see more, e-mail me and i'll forward you the link. kisses!

2007-05-18T03:50:00.000-04:00

yay, so i've finally figured out how to get my pics up a bit more quickly. here are some of my favorites.

the sunset from my house in mpika. doesn't it make you want to come visit?! :-)

me and my sisters, chola and peggy, and christina's sister, erica

my little nephew, isn't he the cutest thing in the world?

me and my sister chola

peggy and my cousin

my mom and cousin

my sister getting her hair done

me and my mom

my sisters and their friends dancing outside my hut

me and my sister peggy

the sunset at my homestay family in chongwe

me and keli at swearing in

lindsay, lisa, and me at chishimba falls

chishimba falls

Rex

cibwabwa

two interesting articles

2007-05-17T08:53:00.000-04:00

so, in my endless time while i sit and wait for test results i thought i'd put up these two articles... they are pretty interesting. sorry, i couldn't figure out how to get them as links, so copy and paste. it's realllllly not hard!

first: an article about conflicting positions and arguments in today's world of microfinance. who does microfinance serve and how do we do that best? it's an article from the new yorker, oct 30th 2006. enjoy.

http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2006/10/30/061030fa_fact1

second: another new yorker article about water in india. after reading that the average american uses 400-600 litres of water A DAY, i calculated how much i use in my village and that maybe, maybe, if i do dishes, laundry, it's hot and i drink a lot, AND i bathe, i would use about 20. crazy. i don't, however, carry it on my head. though everyone else does. it's from oct 23rd, 2006. enjoy.

http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2006/10/23/061023fa_fact1

lusaka...

2007-05-16T05:30:00.000-04:00

so, after 7 days and many many trips to my cimbusu (toilet) i am in lusaka for medical tests for a runny tummy... :-/ i'm still not sure what it is and it's definitely a bizarre sickness because mostly i'm feeling better except for my stomach just not feeling "right." i'm hoping to get test results today and head back up to kasama for peace corps meetings tomorrow and then back up to my site by sunday! :-) we'll see. fingers crossed.

that said... a description of my adventure down here might be amusing. i talked to the peace corps medical officer on sunday morning. all the buses from mpika to lusaka leave around 8 in the morning, so as i looked at my watch i realized i had missed all of them. so, sick, on a sunday morning i was going to try to hitch the 7 hours to lusaka.

i packed stuffed up, got my soccer balls back from the kids, got my cats to a new friend in town and walked down to the gas station. i waited for about an hour with about 5 cars passing me, until finally two guys in a white van stopped and asked where i was going. i said lusaka, a bit anxiously, hoping that they wouldn't laugh that i thought i could possibly go that far. to my amazement they said "well, today we're heading to serenje (about two and a half hours south of mpika) and then are continuing on to kabwe (two hours north of lusaka) tomorrow. but, if you want to come to serenje and continue on from there, you're welcome." i hopped in and got to serenje where i decided to spend the night at the peace corps house instead of sitting by the roadside with my fingers crossed and that i would have another ride at least half of the way the next day.

so, i hung out at the PC house where i took one of the hottest showers i've ever taken in my life. it was amazing. honestly, i know i've talked about showers before, but i think a hot shower is truly something i will forever be thankful for from now on. standing under running water, even as i know how much less water i CAN bathe with, is amazing.

then, i continued on the next day with chris, my new friend the driver, to kabwe. we spent the entire ride chatting, which was really nice... about zambia, about american political candidates, about egypt (which he travelled to for the africa cup last year and loved), about marriage and having children. he laughed that i thought i would start having kids around the age of 30. he said "that's when we STOP here in zambia!" then he dropped me off at the bus stop in kabwe and i waited to catch one of the many buses on their way to lusaka. luckily it only took about 20 minutes and i was in lusaka by 2 in the afternoon, only 28 hours after i had left my house in mpika. oy. and then made it quickly to the pc office.

since being in lusaka i've been staying with a family, which has been really nice. the peace corps has a bed and breakfast program that sets us up with american families in lusaka, which is so nice. it's nice to be in a house and the family i'm staying with has an almost 3 year old daughter who is the cutest thing. they are so sweet and worried about my tummy, which as it settles a bit can actually eat the food that they are feeding me! i've moved on from soup which is what i ate for most of last week. and they are just interesting to talk to and it's interesting to imagine a life as an ex-pat in lusaka...

lusaka has developed so much in the last 5-10 years that i think living here is pretty easy. a lot of the comforts that americans are used to are becoming easy to access in lusaka. whether that's reliable electricity and running water or spices from the new south african brand grocery stores or soft serve ice cream, you can find it. but lusaka is also a bit strange... each house is guarded and gated, each family seems to have a maid, a gardener, a guard, and struggles with how to be employers but not development workers but also kind and caring. it's definitely a strange world to try to navigate.

anyway, i'll close there and maybe get another update up soon. kisses! oh, also, i got SOME (very few!) pics up and unfortunately they are on facebook. so, check them out. but the computers even here can only put up pics slowly and one at a time. so that might be slow forever. but i might get a couple more up today. so, if you don't have facebook, get a kid to show you how to use it! haha.

adventures and mishaps

2007-05-08T03:36:00.000-04:00

ah, so i tried to update this yesterday and wrote up about a page and a half of what i had written and then somehow erased it. and the internet is so slow that i just gave up and came back in today!

things get better here each day; though they are still filled with so much up and down that it can really be exhausting at times. i feel like i am making friends and am at the same time lonely, i am starting to love cooking on my little brazier but get frustrated when i can't light it fast enough (i'm getting better at it!), i start to feel that i have ideas and/or plans for what i can do and offer here and then i go to a meeting in bemba and feel incompetent. all of it is, i know, a lesson in patience and i know that thigns are feeling better overall... but there re moments of such confusion and missing people that it definitely doesn't feel like home yet.

that said, i've had a bunch of adventures in the last couple weeks, one of which ended with me coming back to my village and feeling such relief that i was coming back to MY house... my bed, my dishes, my cats, my routines. so, that's nice. and, i now have furniture! which is amazing. sitting in a chair to read and listen to music is sooooo much better and makes it feel so much more settled.

so, adventures: two weeks ago i went down to visit another volunteer who lives about 25 km south of me, or so. she's a health volunteer who lvies near a mission hospital and i went down for the last week of the month when the hospital does outreach in far away villages for the under-5 clinics. we went to 4 villages and probably weighed over 300 babies! crazy. while we did that, there was a hospital nurse who was doing ante-natal and VCT (volunteer testing and counseling) for HIV counseling and results. it was all really interesting and also, at times, frustrating. sometimes it felt that the mothers have just created this monthly or bi-monthly routine, or which they don't understand much... go weigh baby, don't understand the graph or what to do if your baby is malnourished, and come back next month. maybe i'm wrong. i hope so because this is a very amateur observation... but it was def something i thought about a couple times over the three days.

who, you might ask, was the we in this situation? me and the other PC volunteer went with two hospital workers both days and then the first day also went with two dutch medical student volunteers who are doing a study on malnutrition and a zambian music/drama group that does outreach and education. watching them made me really really want to speak bemba better.

the last night that i was down there was actually one of the dutch volunteers birthdays, so we stayed in the hospital compound to celebrate. we made a yummy hamburger curry, took a warm bucket bath, watched a movie, charged our phones, and listened to music. amazing!

i got back to my house with a cemented floor in the front room, which is also amazing. it's so much easier to sweep and take care of and the house just feels much cleaner. unfortunately it was followed the next day by a random, fluke rainstorm (the rainy season is over!) which proved that my roof will, and does, leak. a lot. since then the windy season has also come in in full force and my roof now has a very clear hole in it. i think someone might fix it today, and i have plastic over my bed now, so i think my bed, at least, will be dry and junk free. that day though, my bed, my newly cemented floor, my clothes were all wet. and while attemping to nail some plastic to my walls to cover it all i stepped into a candle and my skirt caught on fire!! in retrospect, it was all pretty hilarious because i noticed right away and didn't get burned at all. but i know have one less skirt and i lespt in my sleeping bag that night so that my sheets could dry. :-)

another adventure, i went to a zambian wedding! which, in the midst of, i realized was either the same day or the day before (turns out the day before) my cousin aaron and denise's wedding in jamaica. it made me feel once again that the earth does little things to remind us of our many little connections. other examples were e-mails from friends literally the day after thinking of them... little, vivid memories of places and then a mention of that person somehow.

anyway, the wedding was interesting... it was at the pentecostal church and then the reception was at a restaurant in town. the wedding ceremony itself had a lot of familiar parts: rings, vows, white dress, veil... in some ways it felt TOO Familiar and reminded me that christianity was brought here and, in many ways, took over leaving little of the old traditions behind. people seem to feel a pressure to give up on the old "african" ways in order to prove their christianity... which seems sad to me. though, the women's clothes and yells and dacing and the beat of the music helped to remind us all that this was an African wedding.

the pastor made a lot of references to the bible and jesus which made me want to read the new testament. i'm putting it on my list. most seemed implausible. one example: he said that adam and eve were married in the garden of eden and that jesus officiated hence proving the divine sanctioning of marriage (old testament, i know) but, um really?! are you really saying that? oy.

the reception was also interseting. pretty structure with people dancing, the bride and groom feeding each other cake, some toasts... a bit bizarre in its structure. and they handed out packaged food because, as another volunteer said, otherwise people would take too much. so we sat and watched the whole thing and then maybe when we left there was dancing... not sure. i wanted to get home before dark.

ok, this is getting really long. since then it has been a bit quiet. this week the schools opened again, which is nice. i'll have more to do. i had several meetings in my village last week which made me feel like i have something to offer here, it was exciting. working with women's groups, doing business training, i'm starting a youth group tomorrow... though i got sick for the first time since being here really, which is frustrating. my stomach is very unhappy and yesterday and today i feel a bit yucky. i went to a meeting at the ministry of ed yesterday morning, then felt so yucky afterwards that i went to see a friend who runs an orphanage in town to see if she had a thermometer and if i could lie down. luckily she did, i didn't have a fever, and i feel asleep for two hours, waking up feeling, though not perfect, much better! so... hopefully tomorrow i'll be even better!

we have meetings in the provincial capital with all the peace corps volunteers in northern province next week, which i'm excited for. i'm excited to see the other people in my intake and here their stories and adventures. and it'll be nice to be somewhere else for a couple days.

anyway, i think i should stop. if you've read this far, amazing! people have been asking me if i need anything from america and i'm not sure what to say... i know it's expensive to send packages and i feel a bit silly asking for things. at the same time, mail is amazing! i've never felt so dependent on that little connection. so some simple ideas: boxed food (mac and cheese, cous cous), granola bars and snacks, chocolate, music, anything to read, anything that makes me feel pretty and clean (both very rare occurrences!), candles, things to give the kids to play with (games, balls, art supplies), batteries, pictures of you! but, really, letters are also just as good. i think if everyone reading this blog wrote a letter every two or three months i'd have a letter almost everyday! hehe, yay!

ok, i miss you all a lot. sooooo many kisses and some zambian love.

two weeks

2007-04-17T04:02:00.000-04:00

where can i possibly begin? i got to site two weeks ago tomorrow and it's been a roller coaster two weeks. the first week or so was incredibly overwhelming and incredibly up and down... a lot of feeling like i have no idea what i'm doing here or what exactly i have to offer a community so different from anything i've ever known. on wednesday i went to a meeting at the school near my house which was all in bemba and which i left thinking "i will never understand this language..." and, that possibly, if there was anything specific that i would get out of this experience, it would be that i should live near my family and the people i love in the future.

but, then sometime around friday last week something clicked a bit. there are a couple women near me who are becoming friends and who stop by just to say hello or sweet dreams. i've been to a couple people's houses for nshima and some of my other neighbors have brought by other food. i have two kittens, rex and chibwabwa, who are really cute and keep me happy and give me company. chibwabwa means pumpkin leaves in bemba and the kids LOVE that that is his name. rex was named by the man working on my toilet and is actually a really hard word for bemba speakers to pronounce, so she has become lex or blecks a lot of the time.

i've started to work on creating a daily routine of sorts. my house is a two room mud hut with a grass-thatched roof at edge of a village and right by a new school. i usually wake up around 6 and feed the cats, brush my teeth and wake up a bit. then i try to do yoga, find the BBC on my radio (sometimes i try to listen in arabic for old time's sake!), and make myself breakfast. the morning then proceeds on with looking at some bemba, reading about peace corps and my project, looking at some of the workshops and such that people have done and all the books and resources peace corps gave us. i then head into town or to the ministry or to the school near or another school in town which is the zonal head school that i will be working with or other schools around the zone. i spend time doing that until lunch when i come back to my site, play with the cats and kids, sometimes explore my area, the hills, the schools or visit people. then, around 16:00 i bathe and start a fire by 17:00, cook dinner and try to chase the kids away by 18:00 so that i have time to read, write letters, study more bemba, play with the cats and i'm usually in bed and heading to sleep by 20:30 or so.

there have been several other peace corps volunteers who have been around lately so that's been helpful for starting to create a support network. they've all been here for 7 months to two years. on thursday i'll head up to one of the HIV/AIDS volunteer's sites, then next week i'll head out to see a health volunteer's site and visit some clinics with her. maybe the following week i'll work with her and another volunteer on a project that works with women and vulnerable children around craft training. the first three months at our site are really about learning about our community and what is going on here. so at first that seemed daunting, now it seems that there are more opportunities each day and that i have so much to learn before i can offer anything. the schools open again for the second term may 7th and then we have meetings in kasama with all the northern province volunteers from may 16th - 19th... so i think it might be june before i know it.

one of the most difficult things for me is to figure out how to graciously accept my neighbors' kindness and also say no to requests. everyone asks me for things. from water to money to food to biscuits... and i know that i can't feed a village, even as they are so kind to feed me. it's gotten to be a lot less though. i think as people see that i am there to live and to work they have stopped seeing me as someone who can always give give give. but, it makes me think a lot of the development system that we have created, in sub-saharan africa particularly, but in the world as a whole. the development workers, who are usually white, come in brieftly with money and resources to give away and without much local language ability. there are too many people who need too much and thus they all ask because "why not?" maybe they'll be lucky.

peace corps though, fits into this somewhat awkward spot where we are wealthy americans who do have enough money to live and travel on our own and yet what we are offering is our time, our presence, our commitment. we don't have money to build a school, feed a village. so, how does that work exactly? i don't pretend to have any answers right now. but it's definitely an interesting and challenging way to think about what we can do or offer and how to empower people.

i've started to think more and more that development is about teaching people that they have the power to change their own lives. this is difficult because so often they don't. they just don't have that power because they don't have any resources to access. but i think in some ways that's what i'm starting to think of myself as here to do... to lead by example and show how to link up opportunities and network. and there are some teachers at the schools and the ministry and people in my village who already seem so ready to do that. so, we'll see.

some of my other ideas for projects include doing some work in conflict resolution training, working with the clinic to work with young women about decisions around sex and how to talk about condoms (there are SO many young mothers and so many women who i've heard say "this is the last one." and i wonder if it actually will be), working with an orpahage in mpika that has a lot of support in the UK to make friendship bracelets to sell and fundraise in the UK (and maybe america), teach a photography class to kids (is there anyone who thinks they might be able to find cameras to donate to me?!)... and none of this will actually start happening for a while as i still try to use the next couple months to learn learn learn.

on that note, i think i'll close. this is long. but i miss people so much. each day i have moments where i think of specific people and how much i miss you all at home. i'm getting really good at writing letters and i will really write back to anyone who writes. i love the letters and though my western internet speed mind struggles with how to adjust to communication that takes weeks, it's something i'm also starting to love. and, it makes me feel not nearly as far away when i see all your lovely names either in my e-mail inbox or my po box! keep it up. it helps keep me sane!

t minus 24 hours

2007-04-02T08:26:00.000-04:00

oh so much has happened, i feel like this entry might be a little all over the place. i have pics up on snapfish (i think, fingers crossed) and will hopefully send a link out for those soon. i'll try to put up a couple on here and if you don't get a snapfish link and want it, e-mail me! :-)

i'm in lusaka today. we came in thursday and then swore in as volunteers on friday at the peace corps office. i didn't really expect to be very moved by the ceremony, kind of anticipating that it would be silly, but it was more moving that i thought. it was a little silly, but there was something more meaningful than i expected about finally becoming a volunteer. that i'm here! that i'm now part of this bigger community. that i'm not heading off on my own. that i get to create this experience in a way that i want from now on... it's crazy.

then after swearing-in we loaded up all the vehicles saturday morning and people headed out to their provinces. all my stuff and my life was sent up on a vehicle while me and two other people in my group stayed in lusaka for passover. we're going to seder at the synagogue tonight, which should be really interesting. i'm excited. i think it's mostly expats who are involved, but we'll see! we made gefilte fish yesterday with the woman we're staying with which was SO yummy! and had mexican food for dinner and a washing machine for our clothes! pretty wonderful.

i head up to my site tomorrow, bright and early and then get "posted" on wed. that means that i'll do shopping for my house (buckets, jerry cans, a brazier etc) and then they'll drop me off and i get to figure out what's next. it's a little crazy... that in 48 hours i'll prob be alone at my site trying to unpack, hang pictures, put my mosquito net up, figure out how/where to get water, and where all the schools i'm working with are.

the first three months at our sites are called "community entry." that means that we have time to create our lives, figure out how to live and make routines, figure out where we are and where other people live, watch and observe our schools and the teachers we work with, and mostly do needs-assessment and network. i'm excited and feel a lot more ready than i thought i would. i kind of anticipated feeling only terrified about going off my own and that i would have no idea what to do once i got there. and terror is def. involved in the equation, but it's also excitement to finally be going, to finally be figuring out what my community needs, what i have to offer, and what these two years might look like a bit more.

i'm also so excited to start creating my own routines... yoga, cooking, riding my bike, reading, planting a garden. i've already read five books here. i just finished obama's first book, which i loved. i think partly that was because it seemed so relevant to my time here. his writing about community organizing and africa just resonated so strongly. so i'll have time to do all of that, things i haven't had time to do in so long!

the fear is mostly about worrying that i might not really have much to do, that i won't know what to do or that my village will expect different things from me... i think day 3 is what i'm scared about. once things are unpacked and my day is unstructured and i don't know what to do next, will i feel lonely? will i feel like i have nothing to offer? will i feel depressed and confused about development? i don't know, i hope not. or i hope just a little, so that life feels grounded but not overwhelming.

anyway, i feel like i haven't done a very good job and of explaining things in this entry, but maybe that's because things feel so scattered for me. i'm excited that i'm about to settle down for longer than i have since high school! and you're all still welcome to visit!

feeling settled

2007-03-14T08:19:00.001-04:00

so, another update.

i've been in kasama, the capital of northern province since saturday and have been staying at the peace corps house up here. in zambia there are peace corps houses in each of the provinces which are places volunteers can come to take a shower, use a real stove, go grocery shopping, rest if you're sick etc. zambia is one of the few countries that still has this and it's been great. it's a little compound and it's been very very good to have some down time. i think it was actually the first time that i've started to feel settled and relaxed since i've been here. and one of the first times that i've got to have interesting conversations with other volunteers about things unrelated to zambia. so exciting to realize that i'm around interesting creative people. because i felt like i knew it was true but that i hadn't had much time to explore the other people AT ALL.

anyway, you have no idea how much you take your shower head for granted! not that bucket baths are bad... a couple weeks ago i was standing in my ulusasa (shower shelter) as it rained in the distance but the sun set over me and there was a HUGE rainbow in front of me. what could be more amazing? out in the open african air showering with a beautiful rainbow! that said, showers are pretty amazing.

other than that my week has been pretty uneventful. i think taking the bus and getting out of mpika was a really good way to move on from my ipod and solar charger loss. i think i was bummed that a connection to something comforting was lost, but also that on top of that my sense of comfort and space was violated, that i wanted to believe that things were safer and they weren't. it was a good thing to be reminded of and it was a good thing to physically be able to move on to another PLACE in order to help myself get over it. so, i'm feeling much better about it! if anyone wants to send CDs of fun music my way, they will DEFINITELY be listened to! hehe.

we've been studying bemba all week at the house which is feeling frustrating. we've been moving onto conversations about what we're doing here and opinions about politics and the health and education systems. we will be tested in two and half weeks and have to prove ourselfs "proficient," whatever that means. but quite frankly, i still haven't mastered the present tense, so i feel like we're jumping ahead and really losing out on the basics. it's frustrating and it's even more frustrating that that's kind of what's expected. i think it would be much better to just drill the tenses and vocabulary. but instead we move on very quickly and there is very little re-enforcement. not exactly my learning style. so, when i get to my site i might be able to kind of say, incorrectly that i work in education and that peace corps is a development agency, but if my bamaayo (mother) tells me that she is going to the market tomorrow, i might very well think she said she went yesterday. great.

anyway, i'll wrap up because i've been on this computer for a while. a couple people asked in e-mails if i've been sick. (knock on wood) i've been very healthy. there have been people in my group who have already gotten various illnesses, from malaria to strange bug bites. but, thankfully, other that some occasional dehydrated lightheadedness or stomachaches, i've been really good. maybe my stomach was hardened after cairene street food!

i miss you all and hope everyone's well and really would love to hear from you! i check e-mail (sporadically) but LOVE to see your names and thoughts and stories. so, keep sending and i'll try to write back as much as possible!

my new address and my site

2007-03-06T07:23:00.000-05:00

hello hello all,

so, i'm on my second site visit which is actually to MY site!!! i'm going to be living in the town of kamwanya (it's actually pronounced how you would think it is... bemba is easy to pronounce once you see it written). it is about 3 km outside of the BOMA of Mpika (pronounced Impika), which is the capital of the district of mpika. and, there's internet! if slow, it's pretty exciting.

i saw my house yesterday. it's huge! at least by my current zambian standards. i have two rooms, lots of light, a big yard (though i might have to plant some hedges so that i have a BIT more privacy). i'll be living very close to a brand new school. since january they have started with three first grade classes, a second grade and a third grade. they use the radio program that we work with, which is exciting and a really interesting teaching tool. though, i heard they don't get the best reception, so we might have to trouble shoot around ways to deal with that. they have two rooms right now and are in the process of building three more so that for the second term (which starts in may) they will also add a 4th, 5th, and 6th grade. it's pretty exciting and actually looks like a really nice new building. i still haven't brought my camera cable and i think that putting picturs up might take FOREVER, but i will try sometime soon. my house is about 100 meters from the school and a short walk up a hill from a boor hole with good water. they still have to put a door on it and build the walls for my toilet, but they have a month, so i think it will happen. also, everyone says that because they met me yesterday and they now have a face and a name, they will get it all done much more quickly. yay! i'll try to get a pic of that up eventually as well.

i'm staying with a volunteer who has been here for the past three years. he's an older man who also did a peace corps service in st. lucia first and he's been incredibly helpful. he's obviously well known and people seem to really know him and respect him. so he keeps reminding me that "you get to do things your own way!" but i think that i shouldn't have any fears about replacing someone who is so well respected in the BOMA and with the district ministry of education officials. also, he's been living IN the BOMA, so i will actually be the first person in my village, which is exciting. he's also just been really nice to me, trying to tell me everything he can think of that might be helpful.

today, we went around with the zonal head teacher who is the head teacher of the zonal head school in my area (Zambia's education system is divided into many levels: national, the 9 provinces, districts in all the provinces, and then ZONES in all the districts). my job is going to be primarily working with the zonal head school to develop a resource center and monitoring activities in my zone, so that schools are monitored, teachers are trained, and professional development opportunities are provided. we went around with the two zonal officers to visit three schools today, which was very interesting. they all seem pretty organized and i haven't yet been able to figure out if the ideas are there but the implementation isn't or if things are really going as smoothly as they seem. i suspect the former. i will also get to do anything else that seems interesting i think, and a friend of mine here and i have really been looking into what kind of micro-finance opportunities there are here. it seems like there are very few, so we're both interested in seeing where we can go with that, if possible.

anyway, i also have my new address!

Hannah Lantos - PCV
P.O. BOX 450100
Mpika, Northern Province
ZAMBIA

i'm going to try to update the side, but it might take too long. so, anything you mail after say the 10th of march, should probably just be sent to this address and then when i move in, it'll be waiting for me instead of getting lost in lusaka. i can't tell you all how happy mail makes me! it's such a light and a feeling of connection, so even just a postcard! send an address and i promise i'll write back. :-)

in other news, there's a synagogue in lusaka and i think peace corps is going to let me spend an extra night in lusaka after staging so that i can go to a passover seder for the first night! it should be fun. i'm pretty excited since i think that will be comforting.

otherwise, things are going really well and as i get to see my site and meet people this all starts to feel like i have an image of what my life is going to be like. the hardest part about training for me has been feeling like i am completely incapable of planning, that i know so little that i just have to take things as they come and it finally feels like i can think past the "now now," as zambians say! i miss everyone and i hope you're all well!

my first month

2007-02-18T08:39:00.000-05:00

so, all of that said, on to my world! it's strange to finally be in front of a computer in a city because in my village it feels like all of this could almost not exist, it's so far away and so unknown. i wanted to put pics up today of my beautiful family and village, but i forgot my connector cable! so, sorry, they'll have to wait!

since i wrote last things have happened so quickly. first, we went out on a site visit. i went to central province, which is a place i could end up in 3 weeks when we get out sites. we spent two nights near the BOMA (the district capital, which is an acronym left over from the colonial period) of serenje, which was nice. the volunteer actually lives outside the BOMA, in a village, but is very close and works closely with the ministry of education officials in town. she lives in a beautiful little compound, though her family is pretty quiet and there are no kids, so she is able to have a bit more of her own "space." after two nights there we moved to another site, in the bush. there, the volunteer has many siblings and has a stronger relationship with his family, who he eats with most nights and is very close to. it was a lot of fun to go out right away and spend time with current volunteers because we got to see what their sites look like, ask questions, see schools, explore, and relax a bit. our volunteers were also just a lot of fun, so it was a good intro to peace corps in zambia.

after those 5 nights we came back to lusaka where we had warm water (though the showers didn't work, so it was still just a bucket bath IN the shower!) and time with our whole group. peace corp brought in a traditional zambia dance group which was amazing. i am physuically incapable of moving my body in that way.

then, two weeks ago, we moved in with our host families! i have a mom, a dad, 9 siblings, and a nephew. though, only four of the siblings live at home. the parents and the three old siblings all speak english well, which has been REALLY good for starting to get to know them. my nephew is four and ADORABLE. the first day, instead of being scared like many of the kids (the muzungus are kind of scary!), he pushed aside my book of chicago pictures and quickly crawled into my lap. we became fast friends. :-)

my family is really great. they are friendly and fun and i like hanging out with them. my mom and my sisters are teaching me how to cook and sweep and do laundry and more. i went to church with them last week, which was interesting, though confusing. i think they think i'm interesting, if bizarre.

ok, i have five more minutes to write. so, i'm going to try to encompass everything. but, if not, i miss you all, and i would LOVE to hear from you. so, letters are so welcome. and as soon as i have my site i will put up my new address. i should get back on the internet in 3 weeks.

so, my daily life. i wake up around 5:30 when it starts to get light. then i stay in bed until around 6:30, dosing off. my classes monday through saturday usually start around 8. i have bemba in the morning, from 8-12. then i come home for lunch and hang out with my family. then, i go back for tech training in the afternoon, until 5 or 6 (which we call 17 or 18). and then i come home, take a bucket bath, eat dinner with one or two of my family members. at first it was my mom and lately it's been my sister or sisters (one of the ones who speaks english with the little one who doesn't) and there is a lot of "cinci ici?" or "mutila shani ____ muchi bemba?" translation: what is this? or how do you say _____ in bemba?

my village is very close to the tarmac (the paved road) which is the one eastern road in zambia and heads out towards malawi. though it feels very rural. immediately you get into a sand road, maize fields, and mud huts. my hut is a mud hut with a grass roof and i think it's where my sisters stayed before i came, which makes me feel a little bit bad.

anyway, i need to sign off and pay. i miss everyone so much. i'm doing well, though especially as i try to convey what my life is like here i am reminded of how far away i feel from you all. i would LOVE to get letters. and i promise a response to ANYONE who writes. also, the number to my cell phone is 011 26 097 186 411 and i check for text messages most mornings and nights because my village has cellphone services. so, if you want to call, send a text about when and i will text back to let you know if my phone will be on! love you all!

why blog?

2007-02-18T08:17:00.000-05:00

so, it's come to my attention a couple times since i got here that blogs in peace corps can be controversial. peace corps, understandably, worries about controlling its media image and blogs are a new and unpredictable source of media attention. we, the volunteers, can observe, write, and spread information that is incorrect and/or offensive. i feel pretty strongly however, that this blog remain open and accessible because of how much i believe in the new democracy of media. blogs allow everyone to suddenly become journalists and columnists, in a way. we are all suddenly allowed to write about, comment on, and critique the world around us.

all of that said, i feel i must strongly acknowledge that i recognize the power, both positive and negative, that blogs can potentially have. i recognize that i am now, in some ways, a journalist. my observations and words can be taken as fact even though i may not see them as such. my critiques may be misunderstood. my relationship to peace corps may be exaggerated. but, i think that the power we have as individuals to spread our experiences and reflections outweighs those negative.

when i found out that i was coming to zambia, i found very little information on the internet OTHER than peace corps volunteer's blogs, which i tried to keep up with, understanding that they were one of my few sources of information about a world i was soon to be joining. i read those pieces knowing that they came from individuals, with individual experiences (sometimes good and sometimes bad) and individual capabilities of reflection. yet, for that access into a new world i was, and am, thankful.

in my case, my blog is primarily for my family and friends to read about my experiences and reflections on my time here in zambia. however, i am sure that people who i do not know will (and already have) found it and will use it as a resources in their own ways. for that reason, i will do my absolute best to combine journalistic integrity with my own personal stories. blogs present a unique crossroads for this kind of exploration. so, i hope it can be used as such. a piece of journalism, a letter, a story, a reflection and opinion piece, and a view into a world so different from the one i come from and the one most of you who are reading this come from!

a quick note: i did not have to write this, but rather i think it's important to explain some of my "blog philosophy." i hope it's helpful!

ZAMBIA

2007-01-28T05:55:00.000-05:00

we made it to zambia safe and sound and i have a phone! i think the number is:
011 26 097 186 411 (though the 0 before the 9 MIGHT not be needed, i'm not sure). texts are cheap for me and for you (i think) and calling might be for you. we were told to tell family and friends to go to "callingcardplus.com" where you can get 100 minutes to Zambia for $5, i think. incoming calls are free for me! so i'd love to hear from you, though my cellphone service will probably be spotty at best and turned off. so, setting up times to talk is best.

i'm good. the group is really interesting and things are going really well. there are times of complete exhaustion or feeling like i still can't believe i'm really getting myself into this, but mostly it's just exciting. we're actually here! the country is sooooooooo beautiful it's unbelievable. it's the rainy season now so everything is green. we're staying in a government training center in chongwe, a town about 45 minutes from lusaka, which will also be the town we'll be in with our homestay families. though, to call it a town would be generous. mostly, from what i can tell so far, there is lusaka and then there are BOMAs (a name left over from the colonial period which is an acronym for something starting with British) which are small town centers and sometimes provincial centers. some of these are becoming more developed and most of them now have cell phone service and paved roads. and, again from what i can tell, this is light years ahead of what is was even 2-3 years ago when the group that leaves when we swear in got here. we're the first group that they're really recommending buys cellphones and the current volunteers all make fun of the fact that we all have ipods! :-) though they do too increasingly. and then outside of that, there are lots and lots of green fields with little huts and gatherings of families and villages. the huts look really beautiful and most of the country that we've seen so far (not toooo much) looks so peaceful.

let's see... other than that. we picked out languages yesterday and i'm going to be learning bemba, which means that i'll be in central or northern province, which if you find a map are (shockingly) the province right in the middle and the one in the northeast bordering tanzania. it's exciting because it's a huge area and there are a number of different places that i could be in. some new sites, some replacing older volunteers who are living there now but leaving, some near (ish) to a town and some far and rural. it's also exciting because bemba is one of the most commonly spoken languages (out of over 70) in the country and it's a bantu language so similar to some of the other southern african languages.

i'm heading to central province for a site visit tomorrow. we'll be spending some time near a town and then some time in a more remote village. i can't wait to actually be out there. i feel like we've listened to soooooo much talking to and gotten shots and medical advice and been talked to by the country director and filled out forms that i'm just ready to be out there and try to meet some zambians in a smaller group. i'll let you know how it goes.

anyway, there is so much more to add but i feel a bit like i've just had so much put into my head that i haven't had time to process much. there are still so many questions in my mind, about logistics and how to actually do my job, but i know that each day is going to bring more confidence and more experiences. zambians seem very excited to have us here and my questions about how my own view of development and that of the peace corps' will mesh seemed to have been calmed for now... the project that we're working on is now called "RED" for Rural Educational Development project and seems to be much more involved that it used to be. it's expanded to working with both non-traditional and traditional schools and using radio education but also focusing on teacher and mentor training and extracurricular activities. it just seems that there is so much space for innovation and creativity. so, i'm excited.

but, i'm running out of time and i don't want to loose all of this. so i'm going to sign off. but i miss you all and would LOVE to hear from anyone!

arrival

2007-01-25T11:41:00.000-05:00

so, we made it to johannesburg! we had two days of staging in DC with lots of meetings about leaving, anxieties, excitements, dealing with harrassment and more... though i don't think staging really provided much information about what we're going to be doing or how to deal with the situations we will face i think it was very successful at making the first step of the transition. we got to meet people, start really actively thinking about peace corps and zambia while still in the united states, still able to run and by that "one thing" that we forgot and still call home to hear a familiar voice. it ended with yellow fever and polio shots and our first dosage of malaria medicine which i'll take with dinner tonight. and then we were off to the airport! many hours early so that we could all get french fries and ice cream as our last food in america before we took off.

there are 40 people in my group. half of us will be working on the educational development program and half will be working on a community health initiative. we have 32 women and 8 men, apparently peace corps is not usually THAT female heavy. but everyone seems very interesting. it's a pretty diverse group... we come from all over the country and from many different backgrounds. the vast majority of us graduated recently and are doing this as a first or second job out of college. though there are some people who are older. people have done a wide range of travel with some people having spent a significant amount of time living in the developing world, though not many. many have backgrounds in ngos, volunteering, health, and education. and mostly most of us just both super excited and nervous.

i feel like it's all a bit surreal. we're not allowed to leave the hotel tonight. so, even though we're in johannesburg i feel like we could be anywhere. it's just warm. but, it's our last hot shower for a while.

a cute adrienne and julian story (my 8 year old cousin's in DC) before i go... i got to see them, my aunt, and my grandma in DC on monday night (two nights before i left) for a last goodbye and hugs. the first thing adrienne said to me was: "hannah, can you pack me in your suitcase?" to which i replied: "well, sweetie, i have an 80 pound limit and you just might put me over it!" to which she said: "but... i only weigh thirty pounds!"

and when i went to give julian a hug he said: "hannah, the next time i see you i'll be 10 years old!" "you're right! i said. that's old!" and after some more thought he said: "and you'll be 25! you will be a giant!" oy.

so, on that note... i think i may go find food. my giant self is off to zambia in the morning and it will prob be a while before i get internet again. we have a couple days in the government training center, then a site visit to another volunteer, then a homestay for 8 weeks (with another site visit in the middle) and then we get posted to our sites by the beginning of april. i'll try to get on when i can and also post my cellphone number once i have it.

but write me! write me! write me! i will be SO happy to get letters and if you write a return address on the letter i will write back!

note the address change

2007-01-21T01:52:00.000-05:00

hey all,

i just found out from peace corps that the original address they sent us was wrong. we're now going to be doing training near lusaka (the capital). so, the new (correct!) address is:

Hannah Lantos/PCT
Peace Corps
PO Box 50707
Lusaka, ZAMBIA

it should be valid until the end of march and i can't wait to get lots of letters! :-) i promise i'll write back eventually!

one week

2007-01-16T00:55:00.000-05:00

i leave chicago a week from today and will be in DC for two days before heading to johannesburg and then zambia. it all feels a little surreal.

i've spent the last couple weeks hanging out with my family a lot. it was really fun to have time with tess and we did some of the general stuff to do when we're home (dentists, new glasses, haircuts - mine's really short! etc.) and then also found some time to just chill with each other. we both got obsessed with the HBO show "The Wire." And by obsessed I mean, we watched all of season 1 last week and even though we're in different places now, i'm well on my way to finishing season 2. partly this is because the show is great. it's about the baltimore police department and the way it presents how problems are solved, how the police work, how the gangs (at least in the first season) work and function and how the police and the gangs play each other is very well done.

though, i think part of the reason that i've gotten so hooked is that it's a way to distract my nerves as well. i'm starting to get anxious, not so much about a specific thing, and it's definitely combined with uber-excitement, but more just that it's finally feeling so real. that my bags have to be packed, that i have to say goodbyes to my family. it was very hard to say goodbye to tess yesterday and to really ralize that i won't be there at graduation, that she finishes up at brown this year and starts a new adventure and that i only really get to hear about it through letters. that's exciting and part of me feels like it will encourage us to take the time to think more and have more conversations that we might have anyway, but it feels a bit daunting.

anyway, i know that i'm not the greatest at transitions and i think that the next week will be tough, but then diving in headfirst to the adventure is just what i need. i think i'm starting to feel at a dead end in chicago since i haven't done much productive. i'm excited to get back into a mode of feeling useful and directed. on the note of feeling anxious it's time for you all to start writing me letters! hehe. if you send one now i'll prob get there before it will! here's my address:

Hannah Lantos/PCT
Peace Corps
PO Box 50707
Lusaka, ZAMBIA

i can't wait to hear from you all!!

also, i know it's been a long time since i wrote last. here are some pics:

i spent christmas in ithaca NY with my mom's family, then went up to syracuse to spend some time with eli, and then headed down to new york city for new year's where there might have been a little new year's eve color games action. :-) i don't have pics of that yet, but here are some others.

1. me teaching eli how to make pizza
2. me and eli in new york
3. the brownies in new york after a lovely dinner and drinks
4. me with short(!) hair

'preparation'

2006-12-14T19:36:00.000-05:00

I got two new e-mails today from other people who are leaving for Zambia with me in January and I had a conversation with a teacher of mine from high school about how bizarre it is to prepare for this experience.

On one hand I get these e-mails and introduce myself and think about these people who I will spend the next two years with and who I am SO excited to meet. I can't wait to have faces along with names, and voices along with their words on their blogs and in their e-mails, and hopes and dreams to understand and discuss along with the reasons we tell each other for why we decided to do Peace Corps in Africa. I look at the pictures and the youtube videos of current volunteers and I imagine my village, and the kids who I will get to know, and the travels I will get to do and I can't wait to leave.

On the other hand, I have no idea what my life is going to be like. It's exciting to be embarking on this adventure and yet seems almost impossible to prepare for. Should I take my ipod? Should I bring two pairs of jeans? Should I get my eyes checked before I go? Should I worry about getting an HPV vaccine or will Peace Corps give me that? What's my village going to be like? What language will I study and speak (insh'allah) eventually? What work will I do on a daily basis? No clarity. So, the preparation slows and I turn back to my GRE book and say "I think I'll pack in January..."

On top of all the normal questions, Peace Corps seems to have lost my passport (they say it got lost in the mail). So, I spent the day fighting with their beauracracy to try to figure out how to get a new one. Then I asked them "what immunizations are you going to give me?" and the medical officer (isn't that his job?!) can't answer the question. "Oh, you'll get what you need." Oh thanks! I mean, it's probably true and I should probably just trust them, but don't they have a list? On a computer?

My roomate from Cairo, Emily, when I told her the passport story, said laughing "well, just be happy that didn't happen in Cairo!" To which I probably also laughed. I guess, I should be happy I'm dealing with it here before I leave and have to wait in line at the embassy in Lusaka. It's funny though, I almost feel like I'd have more patience for this in Cairo or Lusaka. I mean, why would I even expect my passport application to be processed there? Here I expect it be processed and I expect the mail to work. Maybe I shouldn't...

In closing, I feel like I'm in this bizarre limbo stage of being super excited to leave and talking to other volunteers and starting to gather my belongings and let my heart do a little pitter patter at the experiences awaiting me, and then on the other hand feeling that the word "preparation" means almost nothing to me. What does it mean to "prepare" for this experience?

bat mitzvahs

2006-12-11T22:47:00.000-05:00

I spent the past weekend in Portland, ME with my family celebrating my cousin's Bat Mitzvah. It was really nice. My dad commented at the end that she already looked older at the end than she did at the beginning. I said that I wasn't sure if that was true, but that I definitely thought she looked older than I had ever seen her on that day. Maybe it was the dress, but probably not...

It's amazing how much weight (emotional, historical, intellectual...) can be put into those moments on the bima. We (my family) were talking about how it is not only this moment of great celebration but also one where the completion of a huge amount of work is publicly recognized. It's kind of an amazing thing to watch. My dad also commented on how he thinks that the 13 year olds up there leading don't necessarily "get" the historical lineage that they are now a part of, which I kind of disagree with. I think they do, I think I did... probably not in a way that I could have been eloquent about in any real way, but in a way that I understood I was now joining a line of people, and one of the first women in my family to do that... So I was both joining and pioneering. Strange.

Anyway, getting to watching her lead and sing was beautiful and getting to watch all the different parts of my family (aunts, uncles, cousins, her parents) do things like open the ark, bless her, say the Torah blessings next to her was really amazing... all of them there to be a part of and recognize and cherish and bless her day. My family really shows up for events and almost everyone was there. Whether it was her parents giving her her tallit or our little cousins opening and closing the ark or the rest of us watching, laughing at jokes and tearing up at different moments, we all got to watch her get a little older and really show us how much she's worked over the last year. She did a really incredible job.

In other news, Zambia has been named by the New York Times as THE luxury vacation destination of 2007. Who knew? A bit ironic that more than half of the country lives on less than $2 a day and that tourists are coming in spending $600 A NIGHT on lodging so that they can watch the hippos play as they lounge in their hot tubs. But, I guess it's a mixed bag because tourism is also obviously doing a lot for the country. So, I guess it's better that Zambia make it into the New York Time travel section than not... any thoughts? Just so you know, if you come visit me, I can't afford a luxury safari lodge, though I'll hopefully be able to tell you where the best places to see animals are! :-)

home

2006-12-04T23:09:00.000-05:00

I'm home, which feels both really nice and a bit slow. Emma came home from school the first day I was here and asked what I did: "Well, I slept and then I read a little and met a friend for lunch, and slept some more, and worked out... and read some more, I guess."

Her response: "You're going to be bored soon!"

So yeah, I might get bored soon, but for now at least I'm doing ok. I'm studying for the GRE, trying to work out everyday, reading a bit (right now, The Prince of Marshes about the provisional government in Iraq... interesting if depressing and Istanbul, romantic and beautiful if a bit slow), seeing some friends and Chicago people, and planning a trip east for Christmas/New Year's time for some more goodbyes.

My imminent departure is starting to seem both more real and more normal. I've been e-mailing with two girls who are on the same program as me and it's been comforting to hear similar fears: am I hardcore enough? Will I have to get over my fear of snakes? Will we actually be productive as Peace Corps volunteers? It's also interesting to hear how we all decided on Peace Corps and Africa in particular. A desire to be a place that needs so much, a need for adventure, a push to do work that was meaningful and serving others in some way... I guess that will only become more interesting as I hear about, "meet," and then actually meet all the other people in my group. I'm starting to get excited!

I'm starting to make packing lists... both in reality and in my head. All sorts of things keep popping up: pj pants, hot chocolate mixes, a headlamp, a passport holder (someone somewhere in the Peace Corps state department beauracracy seems to have lost mine! I'm concerned...) and more. I need to try to find a solar panel charger, anyone with experience in this? I'd love suggestions.

In sad news, my Egyptian kitty, Fadoula, was hit by a car last week. It seems a bit ironic that a cat from Egypt would get killed by a car in the states. But maybe it was meant to be or something. Anyway, I miss her a lot and wish she was here cuddling up against my leg. Even more of a reason to find another beautiful little African lion.

first attempt

2006-10-10T10:00:00.000-04:00

So, I'm going to Zambia! It's official. I decided at the end of August to accept my Peace Corps Invitation to Zambia. I will be leaving from Chicago January 21st and from the United States January 23rd (Emma's 18th birthday!), 2007. I come back in March of 2009! I will be working on a project called "Learning in Taonga Marketplace" which is a Zambian Ministry of Education- run radio program. So far, all I know is that the basic idea is to use radios in rural areas so that kids can learn in places where resources are lacking or non-existent...

Most of the time this feels like a great decision. I'm moving to Africa! I'll be working in development (whatever that means), trying to challenge and understand some of those theories that I spent so much time writing about at Brown. The reasons I accepted the invitation include wanting to push my boundaries, wanting to be in a community where I can't rely on fellow Americans and expats, wanting to serve by doing something tangible, wanting to make real relationships with real people in another country, wanting to believe in what I'm doing wholeheartedly, wanting to challenge and put some of my values to the test, wanting to commit to being somewhere longer than I've ever committed to being anywhere... and there are so many more complicated reasons.

People's responses to me telling them that I'm leaving for Peace Corps have been both encouraging and frightening. I've been told by a Texan woman that her prayers will be with me, that I'm doing something wonderful. That makes me a bit tearful and also wonder. How we can all start to incorporate decisions like this into our lives? Do I sit in her mind as a beautiful example but also an excuse to not act? Will her prayers reach me and the people I will be working with? I've been told I'm brave, I've been told that people will come visit, I've been told that I will learn empathy, that Peace Corps volunteers never get anything done, that I should maintain my idealism, that I shouldn't be too idealistic, that I should remember a compass and a knife, that I shouldn't hold romanticized notions of being the first white person... clearly I am something that people have responses to!

All of the different thoughts and reactions I get add to both my anticipation and my anxiety. What will the people be like? What langauge will I learn? Will I raft down the Zambezi? Will I get a kitty? All of those questions also get combined with some (rational?) fear. What if I am unsuccessful? What if I, a white American woman, can't make real relationships with real people? What if I feel directionless or bored? What if I try to grow my own produce and it fails and I'm hungry? What if Fatima's fear of me being attacked by a lion is something I should actually be worried about? (I mean, some are more real fears than others!). At times the decision feels daunting. How can I be about to say goodbye to people? How can I be moving by myself to a country where I didn't even know what language they spoke 3 months ago? I'm leaving DC in less than two weeks and then am off to Providence and Boston for a week and then back to Chicago for a couple months before I leave. There will be some minor jaunts off to other places including upstate New York, Maine, and New York City. Friends keep telling me that this isn't goodbye and that this is just an adventure; so, I hope you all come along, even just vicariously through these posts. And I know the questions are part of the adventure. I'm starting to feel SO excited about getting some answers.