starting to figure out what i'm doing here

So, it’s been a while since I wrote… I think partly it’s because internet is expensive and I try to be quick, but partly it’s a hesitation on my part to try to capture this world. That no matter what I write I won’t quite get it “right.” Partly I want to explain the good parts but feel that that won’t quite capture the complexity of being here. And then partly I want to explain the frustrations, but I fear a misunderstanding of what I write… a simplification, an image that this place and these people are something that they aren’t… but, I’ll try.

Each day here seems to have so many ups and downs. Greeting my neighbors, having successful meetings, understanding Bemba better, learning how to cook new foods, watching the beautiful sunsets from my house, playing with my kitties, are combined with feeling lonely or that I still don’t know what I’m doing here, with my cats waking me up early, still not understanding complicated conversations, meetings not happening or being cancelled after sitting somewhere for two hours… I know that I don’t need to know what I’m doing here exactly. Several people have told me to have patience and faith and those are both things to work on and to develop and to learn. Yet, my brain desires some clarity at times and maybe to my dismay, I also desire a feeling of productivity.

That said, things here continue to settle more and more and the ups happen more often. I am starting to have lots of meetings in the next month, with schools, with women’s groups, and with kids. I’m working mostly on trying to get some of the schools to start Income Generating Activities (IGAs). In Peace Corps lingo we seem to not want to just call it “business.” Not sure why! Maybe it’s the development system’s fear of admitting that business is a key component to development and empowerment.

Anyway, I’m working with schools on IGAs and also starting to work with some women’s groups to start action plans and to think about how to generate money for the group and their communities. I had a meeting yesterday with women but it was cancelled because a man from the disaster management office in Lusaka had come up to do an evaluation and wanted to meet with the women. So, there were probably about 40 women there! Which is really exciting! And we’ve re-scheduled for tomorrow.

I’ve also started working with a group of 9th grade prefects at the school in town. We are doing a “leadership” class, which is something I struggle with a bit. What does it mean to teach these kids to be leaders? What are leaders in their community? And how do you teach kids, who have SO rarely been taught and encouraged to think creatively and outside the box, to do so?

My Bemba is getting better, though it’s still pretty limited to everyday usage. I can talk with my neighbors, I can communicate with the kids on a basic level. Though as soon as it gets more complicated, I get a bit lost. Also, the kids will come and sit on my porch and say something. I won’t understand and will say “nshumfwile” (I don’t understand). Instead of trying to explain themselves the kids will almost inevitably just repeat themselves louder a second, third, or fourth time. Oy, it’s frustrating. I have to spell out the specific word that I don’t understand and then SOMETIMES the kids will get it and try to explain or show me.

I’m starting to think about other projects… starting a micro-loan project on my own is a possibility. It’s a little scary to try to think about all the different parts, but I think giving people some initial capital to start projects is so necessary. So maybe we’ll start business-training classes and then tie it into either my own lending or the local micro-credit bank. I’m also interested in how to encourage people to start officially saving. All the banks here have a minimum to open an account and a minimum balance to maintain the account. Would it be possible to open a “bank” somehow that wouldn’t require that?

I’m also thinking of trying to teach a digital photography class, in order to both teach photography and a form of art, and also to teach computer skills. Right now I don’t have computers or cameras though, so it’s more in the long-run. Some of the teachers at the high school in town want to create an art exhibit with local art in the states. Anyone with any ideas about galleries that might be interested, I’d love to know!

I still feel this intense missing of people in a way that I never quite have before. Being here during Brown graduation was hard. I spent the entire day calculating the time difference to try to figure out what was happening on the east coast, when people were marching, graduating, getting diplomas. It was hard to not be there on Tess’ big day and it was also really hard to know how many people I love were there that day while I was in my hut.

Along those lines the letters and care packages are amazing. They feel, at times extravagant. As I go to the post office every other day, the postmen know my name. But, they allow me to feel a connection to people and to home, to make me feel like I’m not doing this so much on my own, and also to give me a time and a space to process what I am doing here as I write back. I think I’ve been pretty good about getting back to people, though I’m a bit behind now! People’s thoughts and questions and love mean so much to me. I can hardly begin to describe it. In some ways being let’s me be in touch with people and connected in ways that I’m sure would be impossibly or just unlikely were I still in the states. And, in other ways it’s so hard to be so far away, feeling that I’m missing events (like graduations and weddings) along with everyday life.

I also have been struggling with what exactly it means to be doing work here… that partly we’re here to work within a Zambian framework and help push projects that people here want to start or have already started. In contrast, partly Peace Corps works because we, as American westerners, are coming in with a supposed understand of what “development” looks like. Therefore, it’s understood that just because I went to a functioning school I can have an idea, an image of what schools here could do to improve. How is that sustainable? How is it not a western imposition? Yet, how can I argue with the fact that I DO have a better idea of a functioning school than most schools here! Also, how do I really think about sustainability when if it weren’t for outside aid this country would collapse, probably quite literally?

It’s made me start to think that I really want to go to business school. I’m not sure how that will eventually play itself out, but increasingly I feel that project management, entrepreneurship, marketing, problem-solving, and creativity are really what needs to happen here. People need skills in order to create resources and in order to do that they need to push limits and boundaries and be creative, independent thinkers. The development system as it exists now does much good to take care of people in the situation that they are in, but not much to change the status quo. People need care and food in the short term, but in the long-term there NEED to be changes to the system that allow people to feel empowerment in some real way, some ability to change their own lives. I know I sound like the Ashoka website, but maybe that’s a good thing!! (check out their website if you haven’t already: www.ashoka.org).

Ok, this is long, so I think I’m going to close here. I miss you all so very much and am getting a bit better at e-mails. So, if you’re feeling lazy to write a real letter, I have sometime on the internet and now have a flash so I can write up letters on other people’s computers and send them more quickly (which is what I’m doing now!). So, let me know where you are, what you’re doing, I love hearing it all! And critiques or suggestions for my ideas are ALWAYS welcome!! Much love and many kisses!