update

first, happy birthday dad! it's today, so i'll get it up for all to see!

wow, it's been a while since i put an update on here. i guess it's because things have been pretty hectic this month. i've been up at the kasama house three times for various meetings: a youth career week, a general peace corps meetings with formal updates and info, and a training with counterparts from our villages on HIV and AIDS. they've all been pretty interesting in their own ways, though it's meant that i've been in and out of my house and my village A LOT.

the youth career week was interesting because we brought two kids from schools from each of our villages or areas. in years past we've brought just girls and done a girls career week but this year decided to bring one boy and one girl because gender isn't just about girls, it's also about discussing and understanding masculinity and the interaction between boys and girls or men and women.

i took one of the activities from that week back to my village and did it with my youth group. it was an activity where the boys and girls divide up into separate groups and make lists of: the good things about being a girl, the bad things about being a girl, the good things about being a boy, and the bad things about being a boy. both groups make all four lists. it was interesting to watch both times because both times the girls had a pretty hard time coming up with positives that weren't superficial. they all had "women are beautiful" or "women have beautiful bodies" or "women don't have to propose" or "women don't have to make as much money." but, when it came to things that were more complicated, they struggled. giving birth and breastfeeding showed up on both the good and bad list eventually, which is, i guess, understandable!

in both groups the boys also put on their negative list that "boys have more responsibility." i was interested to see what they meant when they wrote that because in many ways i'm constantly in awe of the many many many things that women do here: get water, cook, farm, watch after children, shop, sell things in the market and make money, knit and sew clothes, act as nurses and caregivers and traditional birth attendants and initiation ceremony leaders... sometimes it feels like there are just so few men around. but, both the girls and the boys seemed to agree that the men have more "responsibility" in some way. i questioned why and the boys said "well, if we get a girl pregnant we have to make sure that we are giving her money for food." i almost started to laugh: what about the girl who is pregnant and now has a CHILD to care for? i pointed to the two other leaders of the youth group, one man and one woman, and said "hmm, interesting point, though which one of these two seems to have a more constant responsibility for the child?" they smiled a little because even as she sat in that youth group session, beauty had her beautiful baby boy tied to her back. oy, gender, HOW do we start?

on that note, in our provincial meetings, i ran for our national gender committee. so, i'll probably be in charge of next year's youth career week and then also in charge of trying to get other peace corps volunteers interested and connected to the gender aspect of what we're all doing here. though, i write that and then sit here kind of thinking "what on earth do i mean by that?!" it's going to be a challenge since we're all all over the place and all doing such different things, and don't have any money to do things on a peace corps volunteer-wide basis. much of our funding opportunities focus on community initiated projects and not things that might bring other, more random groups of peace corps volunteers or counterparts together.

this last meeting, however, was a meeting with 16 peace corps volunteers and 16 counterparts from our villages about HIV and AIDs and it was really interesting in some of the things we brought up for each other. at one point we divided into our own groups to talk about our expectations of the other (what WE expect from our community to be effective and what THEY expect from us) in order to be successful in approaching HIV and AIDS in our community. Many of our various expectations were so difficult, that we really want to push each other. it was sooooo nice to see that of each other because often i feel this general "oh we're so lucky to have you, help us in any way you can, just tell us what to do" sentiment, which is so hard to process. i want to scream "tell me what YOU want and what YOU can do!" or, maybe better, "tell me what you don't want!"

one of the conversations with that led to a conversation where they started saying that they see us as a link to other organizations that can get them resources. many of us responded with the usual fear that we have when people start asking us for THINGS, and started saying "you know, it's hard for us to give things because we don't have much and to trust that people will actually use them." but finally i started also realizing how much i also feel that sentiment, that i DO want to help my counterparts access resources: computers, software, books, transport (if only i could do that!), medicines, testing services, bicycles, art supplies... and there's this hesitation on our part because SO many people ask us for things that it's exhausting to try to figure what we really CAN find and offer and who really WILL use what we find outside of themselves... but, that we really should all think of ourselves as those links, and that, in many ways, the volunteers like myself who live near towns need to start being the link to those resources. one problem with that is that the systems to distribute resources are so random, uneven, even unfair... they are unannounced, done by several different NGOs or government agencies at different times and places and with different resources and amounts. how are people supposed to know how to access any of that?!

another conversation was divided by gender and we talked about ways to talk to women and youth about sex and sexuality. it's so hard here because there are such hesitations and such a strong belief that if you talk to kids about sex they'll just start having it. we were meeting with one NGO leader who distributes birth control here and asking what the policy is to giving birth control to teenage girls. he said they don't, to which a friend of mine and i said "do you SEE the 13 year old girls who are pregnant?!" it ended up being a pretty hilarious conversation as we kept pushing his buttons. it ended with him telling us we should be abstinent and us asking him (after a comment of HIS about the cultural acceptability of married men with girlfriends) if HE had one. it was pretty funny and we got some chitenges (the wrap skirts that all zambian women wear all the time) with prints from their mosquito net campaign on them. they're pretty hilarious and i can't wait to get it back to my village! yay for insecticide treated nets (though, i have to admit we were hoping for the condom chitenges! ha!). so few of those conversations happen so frankly in the village. maybe people don't speak english well enough, or maybe we're trying to more appropriate and culturally accepted... but we don't ask those kinds of questions to many people. so, the opportunity to push some of those buttons, ask some hard questions, and be challenged myself was this welcome and cherished chance. it reminded me of what i so loved about seeds of peace: this chance to truly push people to defend their positions and challenge them on things that seem, in many ways, to be integral parts of their cultural identities. "WHY do you do things this way?!" i wish we had more opportunities like that and i wish we had the chance to also create more spaces like that. it's hard.

hmm, what else? next week we're doing a training in my village with peace corps volunteers from all over the country who live in or near the BOMA (district capital) and work with the ministry of education offices. it should be fun to see everyone and i think it will be really interesting to start some conversations amongst ourselves about what we're all doing and also with our ministry counterparts about the role they see us as playing ideally.

and then, i think, i'll head up to lake tanganyika for three days before i head down to lusaka for a training with some of the leaders from my youth group around youth center management, information management, and peer education. i'm excited and i think the money for that JUST came through. it links into my eventual wish to build a youth center in my village. i really want to create a space that youth can hang out, learn from each other, study, get information about HIV, and just BE that's safe... there are so few outlets for kids that it's no wonder they turn to other elsewhere! they are bored, full of energy, interested in each other and ready to explore, both sexually and also just out into the fields and mountains and lakes.

also, on a project note, i've been really disconnected from some of the things i was working on this month, but i'm definitely still trying to start a book campaign and if you're interested in sending books, getting involved with getting me books, that would be AMAZING. i'm starting to think about whether or not it's something that could last beyond when i'm here and people can just send books over that would get divvied up between the several libraries that peace corps volunteers, even just in northern province, are all starting. send me books!

ok, i think this is long enough and rambling enough. i'm sorry if today it wasn't making as much sense or felt a little more ADD, that's kind of what I feel like today! also, i just decided that i'll be in israel over christmas. a friend from college is getting married and i'm going with two friends from here... so please if you'll be anywhere nearby, i'd love to see you and catch up. i'm so excited to be back in the middle east, have a chance to go to shabbat services, speak arabic, bring a sheesha back with me, see friends... i can't wait!

i miss you all so much and, as always, i'll put in a plea for mail. i LOVE it. it's slowing down and I'M slowing down at responding, but letters are truly this wonderful gift. keep them coming!